Jaws 4: Several MORE reasons to dislike it!! (@ WorldsGreatestCritic.com)

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Review of Jaws: The Revenge!

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In case you need more reasons to STAY OUT OF THE WATER!
Jaws: The Revenge is considered by many to be among the worst movies ever made. No wonder it was featured as the 2007 Thanksgiving Turkey! While it's hard to truly quantify how very bad this movie was and is, among the more visual ways to show you that this flick sucks would be found in the person of Bruce the Shark himself! In Spielberg's original flick the shark was not often seen, mainly because it didn't always work well. This turned out to be a a good thing, heightening the tension and ratcheting up the fear. Instead of taking a page from Spielberg's book, the makers of Jaws: The Revenge showed us almost too much of the shark (and all that went with it, whether the damned thing worked or not! Folks... they just didn't care! *SPOILER WARNING: Below is a visual detail of some of "Jaws 4*"'s Special Effects, including, but not limited to, the film's climax. For a closer look, click the image (make sure pop up windows are enabled... they don't contain ads!)

*STRUTTER!: Jaws: The Revenge* shows us many things in our title character "Jaws" or: "Bruce the Shark". Above is just one of them!

*STRUTTER! (Continued...)*: Come on... you see that? On the Ocean Floor! Is he swimming over the surface of some bizarre Alien Submarine Base?


*STRUTTER! (Concluded...)*: No, actually, that's just part of the array that propels and pivots the fake shark. And, yeah, it's right there in plain sight in the movie. Damn!

*Gut Wrenching!*: But how does the Shark attach to the rig? An easily seen, rusty pivot, sticking through the rubbery underbelly, which you can hardly miss in the scene where Bruce attacks Mikey's Yellow Submarine! (Note: The cylinder hanging near the gills is intentional and part of the story. The Rusty Pivot... Isn't!)

*Gut Wrenching!* (Continued...): But wait! Isn't that just part of the Sub itself? Nope! See the image above where the Shark has shifted the sub considerably... but the pivot remains the sa-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-ame! Oooh! Oooh! Ooh! oooh! ooooh!

*Gut Wrenching!* (Continued... again!): More? As "Jawsy" swims closer (and over) the sub, the Pivot comes with him. Only then does the camera cut to...

*Gut Wrenching!* (Concluded): The Side View! Where Brucie is moving the sub angrily side to side... Look closely... they didn't block that pivot out here either!

*The Hunter Becomes The Hunted...* One of the more ridiculous parts in this lame sequel is the scene in which the shark actually chases Mike through the labyrinth of an underwater shipwreck. He's like "I'm gonna git dat boy!"

*The Hunter Becomes The Hunted... some more!* Here human, human, human... heeeeeeeere human, human, human... Interestingly enough Tom didn't run through chasing Jerry at that point!

*The Hunter Becomes The Hunted... and doesn't quit!* What? Oh, hey, hey, Nelson... how are the kids? You didn't see some jackass human around here did you? Oh? Nothin'. Just gonna eat 'im!

*And the WALLS... Come Crumblin' Down!* BOOM! Bruce ends the chase by crashing through the wall to bite Mike, which is lame in and of itself. But what the hell is that in his mouth? Elementary, my dear moviegoer! Those are air bladders they blew up to get the fake shark to open his mouth wide. Not scary!

*And the WALLS... Come Crumblin' Down (some more)!* And immediately afterward the JAWS CLOSE... as Mike escapes! And we get to see, just beyond the wall, what exactly blew up those balloons and shoved the Shark through the wall. Yep... a coil of air hoses along with that same lame propulsion cart. HELLO!

*I've always been... just a Fin!* There were several sharks (or pieces of sharks) made for Jaws: The Revenge. In fact, the previous screen shots probably do not represent the same unit. But one more glaringly obvious Special Effects Faux pas can be seen above. You don't have to look all THAT closely to see that there is no shark there, just a fin attached to... well, very little. Need a closer look? Click for the pop up!

*Okay, I've got a good grip, let's roll!* In one scene that was intended to be among the most chilling, the Shark shows up at the beach during an Art Show and attacks a Banana Boat that Mike's daughter is taking a ride on. Watch carefully as stunt woman Diane Hetfield is shown to slowly and carefully place her right leg into the fake shark's mouth, then carefully get a good grip in two places for the slow-motion ride down to the water. Here you can see her hanging on, skillfully like a rock climber and sitting almost casually on Jaws' lower lip! You can even see the upper lip's rubber wrinkle as she takes her hand hold for the ride. It might not have been so glaringly obvious if they hadn't shown all of this in slow motion, but hey, this is "art", right?

*Wow, this could've been GOOD!* This is one of my favorite stills from the film, not because of how good it is, but because it displays wonderfully how good this flick COULD HAVE been. Ellen Brody ducks as the Shark thrusts out of the water and Hoagie's plane buzzes the scene. Now that's ACTION! Too bad it still comes off as lame... and too bad you can easily see that the shark's nose piece isn't really connected to the gums and Jaws. In the motion picture the nose actually bounces.

*Sharks on a Plane!* So, you've got some pilot harshing your buzz while you're trying to munch on some Ellen Brody! If you were a Shark what would you do? EAT IT! Not the pilot... the damned plane! Take a look at the rubber of the shark's back as it wrinkles and stretches as the mechanics beneath it work.

*We'll chase this shark down, even if we have to journey into the COOL WORLD to do it!* Although this flick was filmed on location in the Bahamas, many scenes were finished in one of my own favorite places, Universal Studios Hollywood. Case in Point... here's another Ocean scene filmed in a location called "Fall's Lake", right around the corner from Norman Bates' house. You've seen this set used in many films, including Bruce Almighty (that's a different Bruce) and The Truman Show amongst many, many others. Luckily, even with the painted backdrop and dyed water, you can almost never tell this is actually anything but the real thing. But check this frame out. Here, we see some hues that make this look like either a Colorized Black and White Flick from the Turner Archives, or a poorly detailed cartoon! The best part comes when you check out the Horizon... Yep... you can actually see where the water stops and the back drop starts. Maybe they should've added a gallon or two? Talk about Neptune's Folly!!!

*TWIST AND SHOUT!* Here I'm not going to screw around with the "Possibilities" of sharks Sky-hopping. True, Great White sharks can, and do, breach (or, jump out of the water completely) at high speeds when attacking sea prey from below. In fact, many Sea Monster legends are believed to have been inspired by human witnesses to such behavior. The angles here are what cracks me up beyond belief. Here the Shark is shown specifically to NOT have sped up from below, but to have reached up from a surfaced position to eat ol' Mario, who was not only out of the water, but way up on the mast. Setting aside the fact that one can just make out some of the mechanical pieces in the shark's maw (more later), you've got to see what he does next...

*FOUR FEET... above her covers!* Just a few frames later, the scarred Shark has grabbed a depressingly obvious stand-in for Mario and slowly makes his way back down to the still water. No, he doesn't make some graceful Shamu arc out of the water, he's now positioned in a way that, using the ploy of slow-motion, looks just a bit like such a feat. Really, with the calm surface (everywhere but the area just below the dripping stunt-man), it's pretty obvious that Bruce is just sitting above the drink on "Sharky's Machine"!

*The Fin... of the Fin!* Part three of the Beef Jakey scene shows a virtual still of part of the stretch-marked shark's aft-half sticking out of the water. The implication being that he jumped up, bit Jake off of the prow and landed gracefully in the ocean again. The Ocean, that is, that shows less disturbance around Jaws' Entry Point than that Conehead chick did in Diving Class! Once again... Impossible Angles, kids!

*Jaws Got HOSED!* One more time... just seconds after the impossible angle scene, Bruce drags fake Mario in his Fake Jaws and gives the sparse audience a close-up of the very real hoses sticking out of its fake side. Fun!

*Smile! You're on Candid Selachimorpha!* Coming in for another improbable attack the Shark opens wide to show us the degree to which he is incredibly fake. No, that's not something he ate... yes, those are his mechanical innards.

*Open up and say AAAAAAAAH!* Doubt it? here, he gives you a closer look. Looks like he ate an AK-47! Maybe that's why he...

*ARGH! WHAT ARE THE ODDS?!* ...IMPALES HIMSELF ON THE SHIP'S PROW! This is where it gets truly incredible. There are more cuts in the last few minutes of this film than in the complete Michael Jackson Videography. Regardless, how the shark would have managed to jump from the previous position up to a point where he could stab himself in the gill at that angle... I've got no idea, folks! Here we get a much closer look at that tracking device I mentioned earlier. Again... that's intentional... but these next few frames... no way!

*Now... what movie was this in?!* For unknown reasons, the Shark's head then explodes. I gathered it was due to something that Mario was feeding him when Mario (or, rather, his stunt double) became the Feed himself. Any way you stab it, though, during the confusing, multiple-explosion scene we see just why poor Henry Millar was the "winner" of that year's Razzie Award for "Worst Special Visual Effects"! Folks, does this look anything whatsoever like the Shark we've been watching? How about that boat? Ah-hah! So we're attached to NOTHING now?

*I'll put PENNIES on your Eyes!* Here's another incredible frame from the Shark Death moment. Here we see another angle of the shark that looks nothing like the shark that looked nothing like a shark. If the lame blood patterns and silly stand-in prow aren't enough, look at Bruce's eyes (also seen in the previous shot). What the hell, was Millar trying to make sure Bruce's soul didn't escape?

*Okay, stick it back together, let's try it again!* Now, I realize this is borderlining on unfair. Director Sargent never counted on such scrutiny, or else these shots would have been longer than a single frame. But this is just glaring, and it's in the film, so why the hell not? These are all sequential by the way... they explode, reconstitute, explode... and so on. Here, we see a completely different prow than the previous fake one (notice the loose metal strut is gone). Also, dig the even break on the edge of that prow. Didn't the Shark bite that thing off as Jagged as you please? We also have what appears to be a completely different Shark Toy, too. Either that or Millar re-built the previous toy after he blew it up. Look at all those puzzle pieces. Is "Jaws" short for "Jigsaws"?

*Looks great, one more!* Want to see that again? I can only believe that Millar and Sargent would be cool with it, seeing as how we get yet another angle of the reconstituted fake shark with the obvious miniature keel sticking out of its broken chest. Okay, maybe not. One more tiny point of interest here... In the film, in addition to this happening chronologically DURING the time that the shark's head explodes (an explosion strong enough to capsize the boat), it also takes place right after the Shark has breached the surface of the water with enough force and speed to impale itself on the stem of the ship. Yet dig that remarkably calm water merely rippling gently around the plastic puzzle and already sorry-looking keel.

*Now let's sink it!* Nice close-up of the shark's evenly cut underbelly!

*You think they can see the stuff we built it with?* Here's a classic... the hoses, wires and even 2x4s that made up the Shark are clearly visible in its death throes. Note: SHARKS DON'T HAVE BONES... and if they did, I can't imagine they'd break off at right angles!

*Well, I can't swim THAT way, three's a wall there!* Ah, Fall's Lake! In most movies you don't even know it's there... because you can't see the vertical LINES in the paint job! Have a care, guys!

*How'd those weather lines get there?* Any doubt there's really a wall there? Well, check out the swimming-pool-esque splash on the wall (near the upper right corner of this frame). Convincing special effects. I know I'm convinced... that I want to take the Universal Studio Tour again! Hey, the tram ride sure beats watching THIS piss!

*The Amity Shark at Universal itself!* By way of comparison, here's a photograph I took of the fake shark on the Amity/ Jaws set of the Universal Studios Tour. If you ask me, this thing looks more real, or at least, no less real, than the shark they used in Jaws 4! Note: This is not actually taken at "Fall's Lake". This Shark, and the representation of Amity Island is actually the dock/ village used in the television series Murder She Wrote!

*Shark-Slayin' Kneumsi!* Look, I'll make it REAL easy for you! You need a Shark Killed, call Brother Kneumsi, scourge of the sea! Check out my kill, kids! (Any similarities to the hammerhead at the exit of the Universal Studios Waterworld Stunt Show is purely coincidental.)

In case you need more reasons to STAY OUT OF THE WATER!