Blade Trinity (2004)

(Release Date: December 8, 2004)

Just barely not a Dog!Just barely not a Dog!

Almost as much Action as Unbelievable Crap!
(Please, Please buy an iPod!)

I had a Trinity of Blades to Shave with... and I cut myself!
J.C. Maçek III
The World's Greatest Critic!

Until the fine day comes in which I can enjoy Private Screenings I'm going to find some way to avoid Nerd Movies. From the Video Game Testing Geek behind me in Spider-Man 2 to the morbidly obese Kung-Fu phylm phans at my South East during the first Kill Bill (I'm not even going to talk about the hideous horrors I was witness to in line for Star Wars: Episode 1: The Phantom Menace)! The trade off for fun films is listening to the dull-voiced fan boys talking to the screen because no one else except their aged mother (whose garage they call home) will listen. Blade Trinity didn't fail to pack in the geeks, the nerds, the spazes and even the gits, and every one of those mouth-breathers had some comment for each and every geek-nerd-git moment... that is once they stopped talking about comparative benefits you experience when choosing Armor protection over Magic Spells against the hoards of Gnomes in Dungeons and Dragons, taking into account the relative omnipotence of the Dungeon Master himself.
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I can't believe I'm stuck with these two...

Other Comic Book-(ish) reviews:

  Spider-Man 2 (2004)
  The Hulk (2003)
  X-Men (2000)
  X-Men 2 (2003)
  Spawn Season 2 (1998)
  Teen Titans (2003)
  Smallville (2003)
  Hellboy (2004)
  Ghost Rider (2007)
  Road To Perdition (1998)
  The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen (2003)
  The Incredibles (2004)

Such things I endure.

But was it ever worth it! Um... no! Blade Trinity Sucks like a Wet\ Dry Vac plugged into a Black Hole. To call Blade Trinity "for Fans Only" would be far too broad, inclusive and encompassing a description to lay on the pin-head dancers who will come out of this film thinking of it as a "True Classic". Every joke falls flat, every serious moment inspires laughter... every 20 minutes, there's a commercial.

I kid you not. Back in 1998, before this "Comic Book Movie Boom" hit like a ripe pomegranate, Blade became a hit without too terribly many kids in the audience knowing he was based on a Marvel Comic. In this third installment of the popular series, "Comic Book" is written all over the place like graffiti on a busy subway. Hell, if not for the "Comic Book Movie Boom", this wouldn't have been made.

The good news here is that the writer of the first two flicks, David S. Goyer, takes the directors chair and has free reign with the direction of Blade Trinity. The Bad news is... that David S. Goyer takes the director's cha-

Oh, screw it!

This time, Blade (the once-promising Wesley Snipes), and his one-Dhampire rampage through the underworld is videotaped and the bad-ass becomes a Media Pariah. So he now has to face off with not just the undead, but also the police, the FBI, and Eric Bogosian! After a stern lecture on never killing humans from Abe Whistler (yep, they suckered Kris Kristofferson into this one again), Blade and Whistler are attacked by the Police, and so they kill several hundred of them. Guess they weren't humans but "pigs", huh?

And then, quite naturally... Oh, my GOD, They Killed Whistler! YOU BASTARDS! Just like in the other two films. This guy has more lives than Kenny from South Park!

But don't worry, Abe had an out-of-wedlock daughter he never told Blade about and Abigail Whistler (Jessica Biel) is supercharged, super-jiggly, and super-ready when Blade needs her help. But, can the New Whistler and her team of an uncredited Patton Oswalt, Natasha Lyonne, and most insultingly Ryan Reynolds as Ex-Vamp Hannibal King manage to defeat this new cadre of Demons? This time, the Villain cabal du Jour is a vampire hoard led by Parker Posey's (clearly needing the money) Danica Talos! Not serious enough? Okay, this team also sports the First Vampire of all, Dracula (now revived and furious that Fox cancelled John Doe)?

For God's sake! How do you stop it?

As the presence of Ryan Reynolds might indicate... who cares? The formula from this point is, allow Reynolds (Van Wilder) to make some ironic, silly quip then have Snipes and Biel stop, glare at him and move on, all the while pausing for the audience to laugh (which it never does). Then Rinse and Repeat. It's painful!

The bad news is that Goyer decided to try and make this one a comedy, and packs it with more bad jokes than Andy Kauffman's Diary. The worse news is that the Buffy rip-offs, so prevalent in Blade II, are even more huge here.

Anyone who has seen the first two films (or any season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer) can predict the rest of this film, so I'll no more on it! However, what shines like the top of the Chrysler building here is the waste of potential. Dominic Purcell is an excellent actor, and does his best here with what he's got, but his post-modern Dracula with the Caesar Haircut is so goofy, I looked for Mickey and Donald. The fact that Dracula is now called "Drake" is something that I'm praying was another failed joke! The only thing more pitiful than Parker Posey's There's Something About Mary hairdo is her role in this film. She's a great actress, but every few years that go by without a Best in Show sequel, she has to pay the bills with something.

I wonder if Reynolds thought he'd broaden his range as an actor by starring in a horror movie. He won't, because essentially he plays "Vamp Wilder" here, loading the thin and ungainly plot with his own recipe for Corn Cheese Balls. He's every bit as different from all his other characters as Slipknot is from Mushroom Head. Oh, he's affable enough, but he adds as much to this movie as Clownin' Farrell added to Veronica Guerin. Biel does a similar job, though she's a lot cuter than Ryan. Like in most of her films, she's all narrowed eyes, pouts and breasts, every bit of which is a concerted attempt to prove that the WB's 7th Heaven NEVER HAPPENED!


If that's not bad enough, Blade Trinity is packed with product placement, on the level of Return of the Killer Tomatoes! There's nothing subtle about it either, especially as Reynolds and Biel earn their paychecks by reciting and demonstrating an advertisement for the Apple iPod, which had more collective screen time in this film than Purcell himself, for Pot's sake!

Ah, well, there's a lot of coolness here, and a couple of neat ideas that amount to scotch tape over the plot holes you could drive an unarmored HUMVEE through! That gives this remarkably bad movie the very generous rating of Two Stars out of Five. Yeah, it sucked, BUT, you might like it. I mean... I'm not all that sure that I hate it, really... it's entertaining. Stupider than Plaid Pants, but it's entertaining! Say, if "Drake" is immune to sunlight and most of the traditional methods of killing Vampires because he's "Never had to evolve", then why do the evolved Vampires still suffer from these afflictions? Isn't Evolution supposed to make the species better and stronger? No one gives a crap, I guess, so I'll see you in the next reel!

Oh, what's the Point anymore...
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Blade Trinity (2004) Reviewed by J.C. Maçek III who is responsible for his own views, not to mention his nostalgia for the "real" Wesley Snipes!
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FUCK! Fucking FUCK!
Yeah, it sucked, BUT, you might like it. I mean... I'm not all that sure that I hate it, really... it's entertaining. Stupider than Plaid Pants, but it's entertaining!

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