Frequently Asked Questions!

aJaJaJaJ



Everything you always wanted to know about Brother Kneumsi
but were afraid (or too apathetic) to ask!

FAQ and FSO (Frequently Stated Opinions)
The BIG Critic!!!
J.C. Maçek III
The World's Greatest Critic!

  1. Who is "Gregory Benford" and what is a "Gregory Benford Moment?"
    Gregory Benford is the Author of Foundation's Fear which is an entry into the Foundation series of Novels that Isaac Asimov wrote. After the death of Asimov, his estate allowed Benford and two other... hacks... to draft a series of questions that they were curious about from Asimov's books and answer them in a new trilogy of novels.
    Unfortunately these questions were already all answered by Asimov himself within the text of the various Foundation Novels he wrote! Undaunted, Benford and company made up their own story without paying attention to what Asimov had written, regardless of the vast lapses in continuity that this caused. Although I intend to explore these in more detail, one of the worst insults was the invention of "Tiktoks," or anthropomorphic thinking machines (commonly referred to in English as... "robots"). Asimov made it clear that Robots didn't exist in this time (which is a major plot point when it is revealed that at least one was there the entire time)! Benford makes Robots a huge part of his story (almost the main part) but calls them Tiktoks instead! Oh... that's okay then! I see now it depends on what your definition of the word "is" is!
    I use the term "Gregory Benford Moment" to describe any time established continuity is violated by new ideas regardless of how well the old ideas worked! Any lapse in continuity that can't be explained without some sick rationalization is a "Gregory Benford Moment!"
    When Telly Savalas pops up to lead The Dirty Dozen in 1987 in spite of the fact that his character died in the first The Dirty Dozen movie 20 years prior, you're looking at a "Gregory Benford Moment" there, Sparky!

  2. Who is Alan Smithee?
    "Alan Smithee" is the name that the Director's Guild allows movies that a director has lost creative control of to be credited to.
    In the event that a filmmaker has his or her vision severely recut by the film studio, or otherwise taken away in a way that clearly the Director is no longer the film's Author, that director (naturally) will want his or her name taken off that piece of piss. In this event the director must appeal to the board to have his or her name removed to avoid the tarnishing of reputation. The only allowed replacement name is "Alan Smithee!"
    In the years since the first Alan Smithee credit back in 1967 the name has become synonymous with bad movies! As other related professions (acting, producing, editing) have copied this, Alan Smithee lore has grown to suggest that the worst of the bad has to be Alan Smithee Related. The persona of Alan Smithee has grown to the point that he is considered a real person, and a cult of sort has arisen around his legend.
    I invite anyone to take a look at their favorite Search Engine for Alan Smithee articles. One of my favorites is the IMDB page for him which treats him as a real person. http://us.imdb.com/Name?Smithee,+Alan. Plus there's a (fictional) paper I wrote about his film making process if you're interested in that, Click Here!
    The rumor that there was an episode of Star Trek: Voyager that was so embarrassing that every credit for cast and crew read "Alan Smithee" remains unconfirmed by this author!

  3. I think your sister's Pretty! Can I meet her?
    No.

  4. You look like a Goth! Are you one of those Goth kids?
    No. I'm one of those guys who really, really liked dressing up for Halloween! Although one of my favorite kinds of music is Goth Rock (real Goth, not Little Brian Warner Goth), I don't usually wear make-up!
    But I might... If there's money in it!

  5. I love some of these pictures of you! You are so hot! Do you still look like this?
    No. I'm actually looking pretty old for my years, and I am fat and out of shape now, sorry! Now I look like this!

  6. I still think you look pretty good... Wanna hook up?
    Sorry, sir, but I'm not Gay. Either way... I love my Wife, so... nah!

  7. Who is this "Joss" person you keep referring to?
    Are you kidding me? How did you end up here not knowing that? Okay... Um... Joss Whedon was a staff writer on that show "Roseanne!" He also went on to create some other Television shows, I heard tell!
    For those of you not clicking on the links... I love this man!

  8. Who is James Kidd?
    This is a fun one to answer! James is one of my better and older friends!
    You know that friend of yours who thinks he or she can sing, but can't? You know... we all have a few! I have some!
    James Kidd is the exact opposite! He has this kick-ass Rock/ Soul voice, but he had no idea until recently! I was stunned too! This guy has in my presence belted out Ray Charles and Simple Minds with equal perfection (I list these because they signify a range).
    James is a great guy too, but it's the voice that has been referenced on this site! He currently sings Karaoke to Woo Women in the greater metropolitan Shreveport, Louisiana Area!

  9. What are you wearing?
    Right now? 6:39 PM 5/27/2003? Black Socks, Haggar Khaki Slacks, Cherokee green shirt, Bikini Briefs, Fruit of the Loom Undershirt, Citizen Watch, 2 earrings, Class Ring, and Wedding Ring! What are you wearing?

  10. Your Rating Scale bears a striking resemblance to that of Mick Martin and Marsha Porter of the Video Movie Guide! Is this a coincidence?
    Hey, don't forget Derrick Bang, man! No, it's not a coincidence. I love those books, and I recommend them. The only real similarity is that we both use five stars as the maxxx. They call a horrible movie a Turkey, me, a Dog! I was going to call it a Bomb, but the world's at war (and people might believe I was referring to these horrible movies as "Da Bomb")!

  11. Your online persona isn't as interesting as that of The Filthy Critic! Why not?
    Because mine's not a persona... I really am just like this, warts and all!

  12. What is your favorite film?
    Loaded Question! My usual answer to this is Apocalypse Now, though there are so many that I love.
    Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon and Briana Loves Jenna are both excellent. Let's see... how about a short list?
    1. Apocalypse Now
    2. Lawrence of Arabia
    3. Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon
    4. The Chimes at Midnight
    5. Branagh's Hamlet
    6. the Iron Giant
    7. Unbreakable
    8. Signs
    9. Attack of the Clones
    10. Donnie Darko
    There are so many more!

  13. What's your least favorite Film?
    There's Something About Mary!

  14. I can't figure you out... You don't use much Profanity, but you don't shy away from it... What's up?
    Well, I wouldn't recommend this site to kids under 17 or anything! I cuss like a sailor in real life because I am not a fraction as intelligent as I attempt to make myself out to be!
    In writing I have more time to think about things... for example, would it be funnier to say "Fuck all Film Critics!" or would it be funnier to say "A Pox Upon all Film Critics!"... I suggest the incongruity of the second makes it really funny!
    Also, if I were to say "What the Fuck?" you've seen that a million times... but "What the eff-you-see-kay?"... now that's a laugh!
    I certainly don't shy away from swearing... as Dee Snyder of Twisted Sister fame once sang "Somehow 'Gee-Whiz' and 'Golly' don't make it!"
    Or as the immortal George Jefferson once said "I could say 'Darn,' but everyone would know I meant 'Damn!'"

  15. Who is "Little Brian Warner?"
    It's the real name of that king of poseurs masquerading beneath simplistic music, and phony, phony, phony Iconoclastic imagery occasionally referred to as "Marilyn Manson!" Check my Music Reviews for some real music!
    In case you're wondering, I am a heavy metal fan. Too bad little Brian doesn't perform that!

  16. Dude, your taste in music and movies is just awful! Do you know that, man?
    Well, Gee-Whiz! Golly! (You all know I meant "Damn!" right?)

  17. You seem really Self Serving and Egotistical! What is your deal, man?
    I don't know... I just heard that for the first time (at least in relationship to this site) this morning! Sorry! Maybe if you got to know me you'd like me! I like you!

  18. You say you have a degree in English Literature... so why are there so few Literary reviews on this site?
    Mainly because it takes longer to read and review a book! There's more to come soon, but I love books sooooooooooooooooooooo much that I want to make sure I do any reviewed book with the incredible respect that it deserves (even if it's written by Gregory Benford)!
    In the mean time, though they aren't "reviews" per se, why not check out my Dissertations page with many a paper on classic lit. Could I "review" something like Hamlet or Lamia? Verily... but am I qualified? No. I'm no more qualified to do that than Alexander Pope was!
    Oh, yes, I said it! I've been Naughty! That was me!

  19. I'm Gregory Benford's Attorney! How can I get a hold of you?
    Um...

  20. I found some Spelling or Grammar errors, want some feedback?
    Actually, yes! Email me from that page (unless you're GB's lawyer) and tell me what you found. I urge you, however to not be snooty about it. I have a degree in English Literature, but I make typographical errors just like everybody else. Please don't approach me as if you wish to educate the heathen because you just got a B+ on your latest Freshman Composition paper about your Summer Vacation! You think I'm joking, but it's happened!

  21. What qualifies you to be a critic? Why should you get to tell me what to read, listen to, watch, or fein attention to until the next commercial?
    Nothing! I don't force you to watch anything.
    Who am I? I am a college Graduate with a Literary background who watches a lot of Television, a Lot of movies, Reads a lot (of anything), and listens to more music than a KROQ Disc Jockey.
    I am here to offer viewpoints that not everyone will have thought of. If you disagree, I respect that!
    As Sam Donaldson used to say "These are our opinions, take them for whatever you think they're worth!"

  22. Wow! Sounds great. I want to be a Critic too! Would you mind giving me some tips on how I would do that?
    Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeell... Okay! Why not? Click here for more information on becoming an Internet Movie Critic!

  23. I just kissed a man! What should I do?
    I... really... don't know! Was it Kevin Sorbo?

  24. Ahoy, Matey! How c'n a scurvey Dog like me git in touch with ye? Yaaaaar!
    Well, you can... Wait you're that same guy from question 19, you're just speaking with a Pirate Accent! Get out of here! Holy CRAP!

  25. You seem to give a disproportionate amount of positive reviews. Are you just an easy grader?
    No way man! Naturally since I'm not a real critic I don't get paid to see movies, nor do I see them for free. Chances are I'm going to watch that which I think will be good. Usually I am right! Sometimes, like in the case of The Firm or Crossing the God Forsaken Bridge I am wrong... oh so wrong!
    On the other hand I see things on TV, and read things in books that I hate all the time. In fact, I'm a pretty vicious critic when it comes down to it. You'll see some massive Dogs in the coming weeks! Keep in mind, this site is updated almost every day!

  26. Describe the best Sex you've ever had in as much detail as possible!
    What? No!

  27. What... is your name?
    My name is J.C. Maçek III AKA Brother Kneumsi, AKA Resurrection Joe... I think that's listed all over this site!

  28. What... is your quest?
    Um... to raise my daughter well, entertain you, to find God, and to find my old missing buddy Robert Andrew Moore from Arkansas, and his wife Pamela Moore!

  29. What... is your favourite colour?
    Um... Black, I guess! Hey, is this turning into one of those email forward things... that mindless getting to know you survey thing? Are you about to ask me if I eat the stems of Broccoli?

  30. What... is the capital of Assyria?
    Um... wasn't that Damascus? I don't see where this is going!

  31. What... is the air-speed velocity of an unladen swallow?
    What do you mean? An African or European swallow?

  32. How do know so much about swallows?
    Well, you have to know these things when you're a reviewer, you know!

  33. You ripped that whole routine off of Monty Python and the Holy Grail didn't you?
    Verily! Aren't you glad I didn't ask you for a "Shwubberwey?"

  34. You refer to Duke Leto Atreides of the novel Dune as having been murdered in the same way as Hamlet's father was. You do understand that the Duke technically killed himself to take out some Harkonnens right?
    Yes I do understand that... However, he was about to be murdered, and there was no way to avoid death. It was only the Suk Doctor Yueh's duplicity that allowed for the Duke to decide when the death would be. In other respects, like Hamlet Senior, the Duke was aced to achieve a valued throne and take a valued prize. This was my meaning, not some technical autopsy result thrown at me by some kid who watched the Movie on the Superstation coincidentally after an episode of Quincy! But, thanks for playing... we have some lovely parting gifts for you!

  35. What is a "Kwisatz Haderach?"
    I don't know.
    Oh, wait... Yeah, I do! It's from Frank Herbert's Dune. It means "Shortening of the Way" as signified by the Unknown! Dune's Bene Gesserit "witches" sought a genetic solution to this whole thing... a Male Bene Gesserit who could bridge space and time with his organic mental powers. It is understood that this hope was manifested in the person of Muad'Dib.
    Never is it stated that the Kwisatz Haderach could make it rain! (For crying out loud!)

  36. Who is Alicia Roanne Witt?
    Oh, man is this person ever incredible. Alicia Witt is one of those rare gifted human beings that can speak when they are 2 years old, Recited whole acts of Shakespeare at age 4 and graduated high school at age 14! The whole time she played Piano like a Virtuoso!
    Her whole life practically she has been acting, and in my opinion is remarkably under Rated! She made it onto That's Incredible when she was practically a baby!
    For more on Alicia Witt, please click here! (but make sure you come back!)

  37. In all of your reviews of Adaptations of Dune, "The Voice" never comes up! What did you think of their handling of "The Voice?"
    "The Voice" is a tricky thing. It's a Bene Gesserit method of almost hypnotic suggestion... we really don't know what it sounds like.
    In both David Lynch's Dune and John Harrison's Dune "The Voice" is represented about the same, as an echoing deep growl with force and a demand of attention. In both cases I thought this worked pretty well (though in the case of David Lynch's Dune it was a little melodramatic). It's hard to say exactly what Herbert wanted to portray, but that certainly separates it from the rest of the dialogue to show that it is magical.
    I also have to say that in David Lynch's Dune "The Voice" or something similar is the key to "The Weirding Way" which (in David Lynch's Dune) has to do with voice-activated projectile weapons. It's all wrong... just wrong. Thank you!

  38. I just read all your Dune-related reviews... Come on, man! Do you really think that The Sci-Fi Channel's Dune is better than David Lynch's Dune?
    As one of this Solor System's biggest David Lynch fans I have to say... Yes... Oh, Yes! In fact, I can think of a veritable cornucopia of surprising films that are better than David Lynch's Dune! Some of which actually feature Martin Lawrence or Kevin Costner! Don't make me list them! You don't have that kind of time, man!

  39. Dear J.C., I want to Quit my job, but I don't want to just leave amicably, I wanna really stick it to my Boss! What should I do? Signed, Giddy in Green Bay
    I am so glad you asked, Giddy! I have just the thing for you!

    J.C.'s Top 10 things to say to Your Boss when you resign:

    10. Now, look... this isn't ALL your fault!
    9. I name Kenneth Lay as my replacement!
    8. I just found a better job... than YOURS!
    7. I got news for you, pal! You ain't supervising but 2 things right now: Jack and Shit, and Jack left town!
    6. Look, Monster.com! Duck!
    5. I've chosen a less consistently humiliating occupation! Stripping at a Gay Bar!
    4. Buhdih-buhdih-buhdih, That's All Folks!
    3. Well, this last offer proves that one man's severance package is another man's lunch money! I can't thank you enough! REALLY!
    2. You know what I did like about working here? NOTHING!
    1. Well, I can say I've found my work here both enjoyable and challeng-uh ha ha ha ha ha! Sorry! I almost got it out with a straight face!

    Hope that Helps!

  40. Obi-Wan never told you what happened to your father, did he?
    He told me enough! He told me you killed him!

  41. No! I am your Father!
    Really? Oh, hey, Dad! How's Nita, and the shoppe? How's everybody back home, man? Great to hear from you, Daddy!
    Listen, try to ignore all the profanity on the site... and, um, look, don't read my review for Sorority Boys, okay? Thanks! Talk to you soon, Dad!

  42. Who is that guy that looks like a KKK imperial wizard in polyester pictured in so many of your reviews?
    Who? What? Wait! Oh, man, that's me, man! Ouch! I was intending to be either a Black Rider or a Grim Reaper for Halloween back in 2002. You should be able to tell because it's the only picture of Death in which Death has a huge gut!
    Upon re-read… DOUBLE OUCH! There were two levels of intense offense… first the Klan thing(!) and then the fashion insult! Hully Gee!

  43. What does JC stand for, if anything?
    Joseph Charles Maçek III (Esquire!)

  44. Why is the sky blue?
    Because... um... if it were green we wouldn't know where to stop mowing!

  45. I've noticed that you tend to say the same thing over and over but in different words... Is your Thesaurus completely worn out by now?
    Actually, I use an online thesaurus to repeat myself ad nauseum! Thanks Miriam Webster!

  46. Can you tell me what another word for Thesaurus would be?
    Yes.

  47. Well? What is it?
    Synonymy.

  48. I’ve been looking for the e-mail and haven’t found it yet ---- at one time we were waiting on DASAR to change the tax exemption field to .930000. (I have this noted in my Overall summary report) I see now that the tax exemption status has been changed to .870000. So could you please verify the tax exemption rate for me? Then I can put this problem in the “Problem solved” bucket.
    I... Don't know how to do that. Sorry. Not familiar with that in any way.

  49. What does "Hully Gee" mean, and where did it come from?
    "Hully Gee" was the expression of surprise or angst that the Yellow Kid used to exclaim way back in the day!

  50. Okay, I'll bite. Who is "The Yellow Kid?"
    Um... I'll tell you tomorrow! Actually, no... Click here for an article on the first ever comic strip character, The Yellow Kid and more comic book and comic strip history! Hully Gee!

  51. Man, you really seemed to like The Hulk! What was your favorite part?
    It was all so good, but that one part where Hulky is burrowing up Lombard Street in San Francisco like Bugs Bunny after taking that wrong turn at Albuquerque was just neat! Especially when he pops up and looks like he just watched Solaris! So cool!

  52. If The Hulk was so good then why did the second-weekend revenues plunge 70 percent from its $62.1 million debut?
    Because, there was no Rick Jones, man! Audiences are craving Rick Jones!

  53. Did you notice that in Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines the terminators significantly advanced from the T1 model to the T-X Model, but the Flying machines of the future were identical to the prototypes from 2003? Why was that?
    Yeah, I noticed that... I don't know... probably all kinds of Gregory Benford reasons. How about this: They only needed to improve the Terminators on the ground to fool the humans, but the airships and the harvesters were fine and needed no deception? How about that? Okay, really, it's because T3 was a bad movie and the producers only cared about money, not accuracy! I admit it, it was a Gregory Benford Moment! Oh, crap, why? WHY?

  54. Less Filling!
    Tastes Great!

  55. What do you want for your Birthday Present?
    Well, check out my list!

  56. And what about Scarecrow's Brain?
    Now you stop that!

  57. Do you smoke Pot?
    No.
    Really?
    Really!

  58. Aren't you afraid you're going to get sued over using proprietary characters and movie posters in your art on this site?
    Wuh-weh-well... Well now I am! Holy Mackerel! Thanks a lot Mister Wet Blanket!

  59. As a Californian, who did you vote for in that fiasco-ridden Recall election for Governor?
    Jack Grisham. He had the best Platform. He was also the lead singer of the best era of T.S.O.L. (True Sounds of Liberty) an incredible Punk Band, but that's not why I voted for him. It doesn't hurt though! Okay, that's a big part of it, sue me!

  60. In the movie Freddy Versus Jason who is the winner?
    Lori and Will.

  61. I just read your review of Gangs of New York and according to your first paragraph you should be 4/5 Irish, not 3/4 Irish! You told me to do the Math! Why the lies, man? Why the pain?
    Well, actually Harry Haley is a Descendant of Mary Hopkins, so it's the same bloodline.
    I... I'm sorry... I feel... just awful about this. Gregory Benford Moment on me!

  62. Who is the coolest guy on the planet?
    Probably Dave Navarro!

  63. What do you use to build your Web Pages?
    Straight HTML Code. Occasionally if I'm writing a story or something in Word I'll just save it as a Web Page from Word and edit the XML, but for just about every review it's straight flat out Code. The main Reviews page was built with a Tripod preprogrammed sheet which I opted for in the interest of time, but I've jolly well altered that one code wise like you wouldn't believe. When I finally move the Old Tripod Reviews Page to my Main Domain (which is imminent) I'll probably redesign the whole thing from the ground up. Hot, no?

  64. Your use of Release Dates and the order in which you post your reviews is annoying to me. Dude, I happen to know that The Pianist came out in December of 2002 but you have it listed as being February. And I gotta tell ya, that makes me mad, just mad! What's that about?!
    It's about Prozac, sir.
    My goal is to best represent when a movie or book or album or TV Program was released (or Aired). In the case of the BBC's The Office it aired in the USA in 2003, but actually originally aired in England in 2001 and was made to be aired at that time. Same reason 28 Days Later... is listed as being in 2002, not it's 2003 US release. In most cases in which there is a confusion I list both dates... but if it really horks you off that horking bad, I'm toying with the idea of a coveted ALPHABETIC LISTING OF REVIEWS so dates won't matter... Or you could just hit CTRL + F on your keyboard and search for the review you want! Watch this space!

  65. Dude, you know a giant talking rabbit that only you can see and hear? Wow! That's amazing... how did you two meet?
    Well, if memory serves (and rarely does it without me tipping the memory captain) it went a little something... like this:
    Kneumsi: Uh... dude, who are you?
    Frank Harvey: Me? Oh, I'm Frank Harvey, the Narrator!
    Kneumsi: Narrator? What the heck do I need a Narrator for?
    Frank Harvey: To help you figure out the story of your life!
    Kneumsi: But I always say if you need a voice-over you've failed as a story teller!
    Frank Harvey: That's funny, I heard that too!
    Kneumsi: Well heck! Nothing personal, but... aren't you a...
    Frank Harvey: A Giant Talking Rabbit? Yeah, Yeah, I am!
    Kneumsi: Oh, well I guess I'm insane then!
    Frank Harvey: Yep! At last!
    Kneumsi: But won't I look a little silly walking around with a Giant Talking Rabbit amounting to an amalgam of three different movie characters?
    Frank Harvey: Oh, I'm much more than just that... but to answer your question... no, don't worry, only you can see or hear me!
    Kneumsi: Oh, really? Well I guess I really am psychotic then!
    Frank Harvey: You sure are... Finally!
    Kneumsi: Yeah... it's about time!
    Frank Harvey: Good call!
    Kneumsi: Want to watch Tales from the Crypt Presents Demon Knight with me?
    Frank Harvey: No.

  66. Hey, that Rabbit with the Gun we see on your Other Home Page... is that Frank Harvey?
    No, man, that's Billy Rider a gun slinging desperado. I already told you that only I can see or hear Frank Harvey, so a picture of him would be pretty well impossible, no?

  67. Hey, I know you wrote several reviews for The Internet Movie Database. What was the first Movie Review you wrote specifically for this site?
    Ha ha ha! Yes, I did, and I still do, actually! But your question was specifically for this one, huh? I think that was Sorority Boys if I'm not mistaken!

  68. What was the first television review you wrote specifically for this site?
    I believe that was the review for Spawn Season Two!

  69. Interesting... and your first music review for this site?
    Um... that's a toss-up in my little memory basket. I think it was ATTAK by KMFDM but right about that same time was the review for Meteora by Linkin Park... so I'm not too sure which one was first.

  70. Wow... well since we're on a roll, how about your first Literary Review for this site.
    Well, that's a loaded question. Naturally I have my Non Fiction Works page (up since 1997) which has plenty of dissertations about literary works, but they aren't really reviews. The first actual book review I wrote for the site was The Scar by China Miéville, which is one weird story, but worth it. Since we're on the subject, the first comic book I reviewed for this site was the Graphic Novel Road To Perdition by Max Allan Collins and Richard Piers Rayner which predates the movie. Hey, there's more to come, my lovelies!

  71. Hey, I just looked at your IMDB.com index of reviews and I'm seeing some TV and Movie reviews there that aren't posted to this site... why not, man?
    Well, let's face it, they're not all that good. I mean, not that everything I write is perfect, but my review for Free Enterprise is pretty lame, and my review for Austin Powers II was insulting without back up! But if you want to see some reviews that I wrote before my craft was honed (LOL LOL LOL) Klyque Heer!

  72. Why do you use the word "derivative" so often in your reviews.
    Because, Lord help me, I have to!

  73. In your review for Once Upon a Time in Mexico you compare Willem DaFoe's Barillo to Charlton Heston's Mike Vargas of Welles' Touch of Evil... But Vargas es bueno... Barillo es El Diablo!
    Good point, that. I didn't mean in the character's motivations but the mannerisms, vocal characterizations and makeup. I thought that Dafoe did a great take on Heston's Vargas, albeit a sick, twisted version! Good point, though!

  74. If you please-- draw me a sheep!
    What!
    Draw me a sheep!
    Hmmm... Okay, let's see...

  75. Who should be this year's Sexiest Man Alive?
    What? I don't know, who cares? Hully Gee! Kevin Sorbo

  76. Hey, you're a computer Programmer? Cool! Do you want to program my computer?
    Why, what are you running a Linux system or something? No, seriously, I can't... I'm actually an EDI analyst which is in the computer programming field technically, but, you know... I'm as much a computer programmer as a tricyclist is a chauffer. In other words... you'd be better off with a trained chimp for your computer programming... and your reviews!

  77. I would like to thank you for having never hit me in the balls! This means a lot to me. Please keep up this non-ball-hitting streak! Thank you again!
    Oh, um... you're welcome.

  78. (Spoiler Warning) One thing I didn’t understand [about The Ring] and maybe I blinked and missed it: Why didn’t Rachel die and Josh did? I know in the end they show Rachel with the kid at the video tape machine……
    I think it was explained a bit better in Ringu, but the way I understand it is that if you copy and then pass along the tape and have someone else watch it the curse is passed on to them. So when Rachel made a copy and had Josh watch it he became cursed and she was scott free. They thought burying the kid would do it, but no such luck. So when Rachel and little Aidan are at the video machine they're actually making a tape in order to move the curse over to someone else. It was just another way (in both movies) they could surprise you by pulling the rug out from under you when you thought you'd figured it out. Sound good?
    By the way, there is going to be a sequel to the American version of The Ring tentatively titled The Ring 2 and is scheduled for March 2005! There are already two sequels to Ringu (and one prequel... not to mention two TV Series). Click here for more on The Ring 2!

  79. With such positive reviews for Point Break and Jo Jo Dancer, Your Life is Calling, it makes me wonder what you would rate Howard the Duck!
    Five Stars!
    Really?
    Well, no, not really!

  80. Tell me something honest. Something you know about me!
    Your favorite Sports team sucks! Your favorite Sports team blows goats! It's true! They're so much crappier than that other team they are always rivaling! If you were to ask me tomorrow who should win the ultimate and final game in that sport I would have to say, "Well, any team but yours!" because your favorite sports team is terrible!
    Look, wear your hats and jerseys with that one logo that your sports team has chosen, but be aware that this is merely merging you in with a team of Sucky McSuck-A-Lots who don't play very well and truly embarrass the region from which you hail.
    Look, don't get me wrong... I love you, and I always will, but your favorite sports team sucks!

  81. How YOU doin'?
    Oh, just Smurfy!

  82. Is everything ok?
    No, there are forty nine other states. Those who live in Tulsa wish everything was OK, but being a Californian I wish everything was CA! Back in Louisiana I believed that everything was LA! People in Texas believe everything is TX, and they're damned near correct!

  83. Hey, why in the world would FeardotCom have come out in South Korea before it came out in the United States? Isn't that a little back-ass-wards?
    Yeah! Probably to make sure that it beat out the remake of Ringu known as The Ring in its race to Theatres... which still doesn't make sense! South Korea produced the first ever remake of Ringu back in 1999! It was simply called Ring and was directed by Mauricio Dortona and Dong-bin Kim! Plus, the American version of The Ring didn't even come out until January of 2003 in South Korea! Folks, the producers of FeardotCom just didn't care!

  84. With the Holidays coming up, I just don't know if I can face the reality of my surroundings, especially when my family judges me like the unholy love-clone of Mills Lane and Joseph A. Wapner. Brother Kneumsi, can you please help me?
    Can I? Hell Yes! Click here for J.C.'s Distress Free Guide to the Holidays! And you know what? I'm leaving it up year round, because it's a good self help plan! In fact, it's the Self-Help plan that makes you want to shove cheese in your face... especially if you're drunk!

  85. Brother Kneumsi, can you tell me how to get to Oconomowoc, Wisconsin?
    What? This again? Okay, fine... click here! I can't believe how often this comes up!

  86. What's your deal with David Caruso? You rag on him all the time! Why?
    Because... I fear him! I have seen the future and it is bleaker than anything in The Matrix or The Terminator! My future self has reported back the following frightening news excerpt:
    "At last the Genius of David Caruso is being recognized. Millions of people around the world are begging for him to take his place as Mankind's most fitting leader! One day this will replace the UN flag as our world rallying banner! Thank you Caruso for being the model for Millions! Thou art a good king!"
    And accompanying this horrific message was the following picture: Click here for the FEAR!
    I'll no more on it... I am too afraid!

  87. How was your Thanksgiving?
    Oh, just Ducky! Yeah, I had to Carve the Turkey... even though I'm a Vegetarian... so, like it was to make sure whomever carved the darned Turkey didn't "sample the Product!" Click here to see a scene from that momentous day!

  88. Is there any truth to the rumor that if you highlight the text on this page it actually displays secret messages from you?
    No. No Truth Whatsoever! Your Moose is Clearly Satan!

  89. Would you really prefer to watch anything but There's Something about Mary and Crossing the Bridge?
    How about Goat Porn?

    What? No! Yeah, I guess I could stand to watch those movies rather than Goat Porn! Sheesh! You found one! Damn! Wait... Goats with people or Goats with each other? Never-mind, never-mind!

  90. Re: The Texas Chainsaw Massacre If it's not real then how do you explain the real police footage that includes a glimpse of Leather Face and the narrator saying that he was never caught and he said a county in Texas and the killers name which was not Ed Gien. Plus in the first Texas Chainsaw massacre they talk about Childress which is a real town. So how do you explain it and by the way I'm from Texas and I have never heard of anyone being scared of the south in fact my parents own a guest ranch here and we have people from all over the world and all over the U.S.! Thanks, Ali
    Well, I'm glad to hear that!
    I never said that "everyone" is afraid of the South, but since I've moved from the South I hear all the time about how people around where I live now are afraid to go to Mississippi or Arkansas. That offends me because the south isn't a bad place.
    It basically shows the ignorance of people who haven't been to a place that it MUST be awful.
    As for the TCM not being real... I stand by that statement! The "Police Footage" was shot by the makers of the film to promote it. You won't find any legal cases relating to any such killer. It's all fake.
    What's more, while this was inspired by Ed Gein, the story bares almost no resemblance to him... again, he never went to Texas. Your statement about his name can be taken a bit further because in both films "Leatherface" has a real name. You're right, it isn't Ed Gein, but again, this is fiction... my point is, in both films the name isn't the same! In the original 1974 film his name was "Bubba Sawyer, Jr." and in the 2003 remake his name was "Thomas Hewitt!"
    I'd recommend you hit the site I mention on my review page which has a history of Ed Gein. Again, Leatherface was inspired by him, but they distanced themselves from him pretty well. Why? They want this to seem real to sell tickets... like Blair Witch!
    I stand by the fact that there is no evidence whatsoever that there ever was a Texas Chainsaw Massacre. They filmed in Texas because that's where Hooper was from!
    I do appreciate your comments, and I thank you for reading and for writing!
    I also really do appreciate your complementary attitude about the South. So often online I hear from people who've never been there that "The South Is Hell!" It isn't! I'm glad you agree with me on that!

  91. Captain Jack Sparrow wasn't gay!
    Yes he was!
    Was not!
    Was Too!
    Not!
    So!
    Nah-Ah!
    Uh-Huh!
    No Way!
    Way!
    Nope
    Yep!
    Naw!
    Yaw!
    You're Wrong!
    I'm Right!
    Are Not!
    Am Too!
    Fine, Whatever!

    Exactly! You Sheep Pimp!

  92. Who Let the Dogs out?
    Refer to Question 56!

  93. I just saw The Hulk and I really am just dying to see Jennifer Connelly Naked! Can you help me?
    See Mulholland Falls!

  94. I just saw The Ring and I really am just dying to see Naomi Watts Naked! Can you help me?
    See Mulholland Drive!

  95. Hey, in The Butterfly Effect what was that movie the kids go see?
    Oh, that was David Fincher's Se7en (AKA Seven). Great film. I know that was in there to sort of give you a cultural timeline viewpoint to let you know you're experiencing the events of 1995, but it's always a bad sign when a movie shows you scenes from a better movie during its run. Sort of like if you're watching Summer School and they start showing scenes from the original 1974 The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, or if you watch that Barbara Streisand Turkey What's Up Doc and they show a Bugs Bunny Cartoon in the middle of it. Not a smart move!

  96. I see all these names on your site, and it seems like there's really only one of you! There's "Brother Kneumsi," "The World's Greatest Critic," "J.C. Maçek III"... are you Schizophrenic?
    No, just indecisive. Click here for slightly more

  97. So what makes you the World's Greatest Critic?
    The fact that I registered the domain name before anyone else thought of it!
    Besides, bigfatidiot.com and worldsbiggestloser.com were already taken! Deal!

  98. So, what have YOU been up to recently?
    Oh, just sitting around and thinking up goofy shit... like THIS!

  99. I wish I'd spent more time in pleated pants.
    Me too!

  100. Hey, J.C., can I be your One Hundredth Question?
    Sure!

  101. Dude, you make a huge deal out of Zombies that can Run in Dawn of the Dead (2004), but you had no issue with the same thing taking place in Return of the Living Dead (1985) which you loved! What's the difference?
    The difference is "why"! Return of the Living Dead (1985) was a comedy, a spoof that allowed for intelligent and clever zombies to build Pulley systems to get to their prey and for other zombies to use a radio to send for more cops and paramedics to eat. Dawn of the Dead (2004) purported to be a serious film yet they pick and choose between lumbering and slow Frankenstein Zombies, and Mercurial Bruce Jenner on White Crosses Zombies. It's not consistent or believeable, which is great for a Farce, but Dawn of the Dead (2004) was not a farce. At least not intentionally so.

  102. Do you accept solicitations for reviews?
    Actually, yes, I do. If you're a filmmaker or a musician, or even a writer who has a piece of Media for me to review CLICK HERE to read how to submit and I'd be pleased to review your work and post contact information on my site for you (if mailing is required I'll give you a mailing address if I trust the request)... however, this isn't an Advertisement service! Just beause you send me a DVD or CD doesn't mean I'll automatically give you a great review! I have to maintain my integrity, so a bad review is a bad review... I will, however offer constructive criticism in the way that only I and Senator Bob Packwood can! Thank you, email away! Submitting a film for review

  103. So you really liked the Angel Finale better than the Buffy Finale? What do you think was the main difference?
    George Killian's Irish Red is the main difference. I wanted to send Angel off with a Toast, and I figured my best bet would be buying some RED BEER to toast the Vampire Finale. I drank a lot of it, and loved a lot because of it.
    In fact I'm drunk right now!

  104. I'm a supermodel with an unhealthy and insatiable sexual attraction to Jack Palance! What should I do?
    I'm sorry, I can't pay attention to this question right now... I'm starring as Curly in the stage remake of City Slickers and dress-rehearsal is in 10 minutes! But, tell you what, Email Me your Home Address and I'll swing by afterward and we'll discuss this issue in person!

  105. Were you Valedictorian of your Graduating Class?
    No.

  106. Who are your two favorite children?
    Jerry and John!
    Got any more damned fool questions you'd like to ask?

  107. Pip Pip, I say, Old Chap, 'ow might one get ahold of you there should one need to wot, wot, serve you something?
    Oh, I like Service, you can... hey, wait... You're that same Lawyer from Question 24 who keeps bothering me! Dude, try all the accents you want and it won't happen! CRAP!

  108. Hey, kid, ever dance with the devil by the pale moon light?
    Uh... no I haven't? I hear he's more into the Boot Scoot and the Tush Push and other more Twangy Dances... Not so much my speed.

  109. Hey, man! I'm an aspiring Identity Thief and I was wondering if I could get your Social Security Number!
    Hmm, okay, uh, let's see... it's 078-05-1120! Sound good?

  110. ALL CHARACTERS AND EVENTS IN THIS SHOW... EVEN THOSE BASED ON REAL PEOPLE... ARE ENTIRELY FICTIONAL. ALL CELEBRITY VOICES ARE IMPERSONATED... POORLY. THE FOLLOWING PROGRAM CONTAINS COARSE LANGUAGE AND DUE TO ITS CONTENT IT SHOULD NOT BE VIEWED BY ANYONE!
    Uh... Oh my!

  111. There is no Question 111!

  112. Hey, did you graduate Cyndi Cums Loudly from College?
    It's actually "Summa Cum Laude", and... no, no I didn't.
    And stop asking about my relationship with Cyndi! That's private and ancient history!

  113. In your review for Falling Angel you state that there are inconsistencies in the novel only detectable to Voudouns, Satanists or Geeks. However, there'd be no way for you to know they were inconsistent unless you, yourself were a satanist, a VooDoo Practitioner or some geek! Which are you?
    Um... that last one!

  114. In your review for The Day After Tomorrow you state that Roland Emmerich can't make any other kind of film but a disaster film! But The Patriot wasn't a disaster film!
    Yeah it was.

  115. You seem to know a lot about comic books... can I ask you a few things about Spider-Man?
    Uh, sure, go ahead!
    Is he strong?
    Listen, bud, he's got radio active blood!
    Can he swing from a thread?
    Take a look overhead!
    Um, I think I just ran out of questions! Sorry, I must be nervous!
    That's okay, we'll just hold each other and talk!

  116. I'm impressed by your writing and I'd really like to see you! How can I arrange that?
    You can see me now, I believe. All 800 pounds of me. Hell, if you squint hard toward California, you'll probably be able to see me, though you'd likely mistake me for a geological phenomenon such as a newly discovered mountain range of some sort.

  117. Exorcist: The Beginning. Do you have an opinion on whether or not this will be worth seeing?
    Yes, I do... The movie will be worth seeing, but not for the reason that most movies are worth seeing.
    This prequel is a remake of a movie that never got made. The original director [Paul Schrader] made the whole thing, then it was rejected for a more "Hollywood Friendly" film, the director was fired and Renny Freaking Harlin was brought in.
    I'm seeing it, but I'm much more excited about seeing the original as an extra on the DVD release.
    Mind you... both might be crap, and this whole controversy proves one major thing: This is all a cash cow for them.
    It might be good, but the odds are against it! Click here for the CNN.COM story on this subject.

  118. What can you tell me about Ike Zinneman?
    Ike Zinneman was the Blues Man who presumably influenced the legendary Robert Johnson in his unique combination of Styles. Especially because Zinneman never recorded any of his music (that we know of) we have only "the legend" to tell us about him. He was said to have played and practiced in the middle of the night in moon-lit cemetaries plucking away as few ever could.
    Many believe that it was Ike Zinneman who was the "real life" Devil at the Crossroads whom Robert Johnson got his skills from.
    While we'll really never know what we want to know about Ike Zinneman, the apocraphal history of the man has become an integral part of the Robert Johnson Legend... In short... if Robert Johnson is the Plato of the Delta Blues, then Ike Zinneman was most certainly the Socrates. Chew on THAT metaphor, Mother Fucker!

  119. Does it upset you if others disagree with your reviews or contradict the ideas you've written?
    No.

  120. You ugly!
    Well your momma likes me!

  121. Have you ever written any Star Wars Fan Fiction?
    Oh, my goodness, no!
    Well, Okay, ONCE!
    But it was only because I had Jury Duty one dim day in 2002, and I never got called and I was bored! Terribly, terribly bored! I couldn't think of anything to write on my own so I... I'm sorry. Only once, I promise!
    Like to see it? Here it go!

  122. Why do you have so many Foriegn Versions of movie posters on this site?
    I dunno. Just like 'em I guess!

  123. I recently heard that one of the more interesting aspects of actor Tony Randall's career is that he made his directorial debut with 1988's Hellbound: Hellraiser II, have you heard that?
    That was Tony Randel, meathead!

  124. How come you didn't have any new Movie Reviews posted between December 22, 2004 and February 18, 2005?
    Because I was in the Hospital after sufferring a severe injury during the viewing of the abyssmal Zombie 5: Killing Birds. Click here to read more about it... just don't see it!

  125. Okay, I just read your review for Zombie 5: Killing Birds and I understand completely. So, um, how are the breast implants working out for you?
    Wonderfully well. I'm typing this with my nose!

  126. Are you now, or have you ever been a Transvestite?
    No.
    But it's not because of any sort of moral or cultural objection... I simply can't afford women's clothing financially or emotionally. We men have it easy, don't we? Want jeans, hold jeans up to waist, buy jeans, wear jeans. For women, it's all this check Land's End, check L.L. Bean, find out what's cute, but then GO to the Mall, go through every store that sells jeans or any denim reminiscent product. Try that on. Try something else on. Try the first one on again. Go look in mirror. Pick a few things out you have no intention of buying simply to see what these jeans might look like with something vaguely like what you own already. Rinse and repeat at each and every similar store. Eventually pay for one of the many million things you've bought. Then take it back the next day because it didn't look the same under the lights at home, go through the same process until finally you own a store of your own. And meanwhile the poor Husband, boyfriend or both is just sitting in that little chair, I call it the "J.C. Chair", and moving his head back and forth like he's watching a tornado play itself in a Tennis Match. No... I think I'll stick with oxfords, slacks and briefs if you don't mind. Hell!

  127. In Star Wars: Episode III - Revenge of the Sith, why wasn't Yoda more of a match for Darth Sidious? You'd think he would be!
    Oh, but he was! Don't take Yoda's retreat as defeat. He fought "The Emperor" to a standstill and left him practically demolished in the wreckage of the Senate. However, Sidious was beaten down on his own turf. Yoda was beaten down... on Sidious' turf! Neither of them could fight anymore at all, but Sidious was soon to be aided by his staff and his Clone Troopers. Yoda had to get the swampy hell out of there before those same staff and troops showed up to aid Sidious and step on Yoda. In short, think about the circumstances and you'll see they were pretty well evenly matched.

  128. What happened to Wesley?
    Wesley who? Wesley Snipes, Wesley Crusher, Wesley Windham-Price... Wesley Richardson? Hell, I don't know... What the hell did happen to Wesley? Damn!

  129. You seem to be a huge fan of the TV Series Lost. Why don't you consider heading over to one of those new fangled Lost conventions?
    Because as soon as I walked in the door, everyone would think I was dressed up as Hurley.

  130. Man, your website has everything but the kitchen sink!
    WRONG!!!

  131. (Spoiler Warning) In Superman Returns, if that big ass continent was really made out of Kryptonite, how could he lift it? Isn't that an Anachronism, or a Gregory Benford Moment?
    NO!!! Singer and company were very careful about this, actually. The island wasn't completely made of Kryptonite, in fact, it contained some, enough to weaken him. Luthor states that the way this worked was that the crystals took on each other's qualities. The Shard Lex stabs him with is supposedly pure Kryptonite. That's the real deal. After Lois removes that he's better, if not great. However, it should be noted that before going back to the Island, Superman recharges with sunlight, which doesn't make him 100%, but does help.
    When Superman returns to the continent, he stays the hell away from it, and uses his heat vision to carve it out of the Earth's crust, keeping a safe layer of bedrock between he and it. Even then it's a major effort for him to lift it, and we see large pieces of the mass falling off. It's when the Island continues to grow and Kryptonite breaks through that this becomes a major problem, one that almost kills him.
    Note, he never died (in the movie), but was comatose. I imagine that if they had left the shades open in his hospital room he'd have fared a little better. Nah, I'm kidding.

  132. "What is the exact episode when Butters turns evil? And WHEN did Tweek get a gun???"
    The short, easy answer is "Never".
    Butters adopts the alter ego of Professor Chaos in the South Park episode of the same name ("Professor Chaos" Episode 6 of Season 6 - April 10, 2002) after being rejected by Stan, Kyle and Cartman for being "Lame". However, his "Evil Plans" hardly cause the Mayhem he hopes for, his "Minions" are his pet hamsters and his sidekick (General Disarray) is Dougie, who likes Math.
    Professor Chaos returns in several episodes, including the Season 8 opener "Good Times with Weapons" (March 17, 2004) in which we see the "Manga" Professor Chaos battling the "Ninja" Stan, Kyle, Cartman and Kenny. Still, the kid never stops being Loveable old Butters.
    Tweek never meets up with Professor Chaos in battle. In the video (below) I edited some unrelated episodes together to make it appear that they fight and that Tweek lets Butters go.
    The footage featuring Tweek with the Bazooka was from the episode "Free Hat" (Episode 9 of Season 6 - July 10, 2002). This scene is a spoof of Indiana Jones' failed attempt (or veiled threat) to "Blow up the Ark" in Raiders of the Lost Ark.

  133. "How dare you come into this office and bark at me like some little junkyard dog? I am the President of the United States!"
    How dare YOU, sir?

  134. "Now that you've been doing this for several years, do you ever look back at your writing and see how much you've improved?"
    Actually it's more that I look back and see how much MORE I used to suck.
    Especially on THIS page!

    ...



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