(DVD Release Date: February 24, 2004)
I know, I know, I asked for it. Just putting a movie called Blood Sisters of Lesbian Sin into your DVD player is an invitation to bad taste. And yeah, I realize... this was a TROMA picture. Troma has made a mint by crafting movies that gleefully make the claim that they're so bad they're funny. Troma is what The Asylum wishes it could be. But what can you really expect from such a self-proclaimed BAD movie house? Cheesy dialoge, a campy script, horror, Boobs and THONGS!
I was STILL disappointed. Oh, there was nudity. Fantastic nudity! Not enough, but there were four or five hot topless chicks throughout the near-endless 85 minute run time. There was a semblance of the horrific (mostly in the film making). It was Campy, it was Cheesy. It sure didn't seem intentional though. I can't say I really laughed along with this flick. In fact, except for the hot nudity, I was bored.
You know what I kept on my mind to stay awake? The Chronic, by Dr. Dre. I'm serious, man, I was jammin' acapella to "Nothin' but a G Thang"! I was all
Gimme the Microphone first so I can Bust like a Bubble
Compton and Long Beach together,
now you know you in trouble!
'Cause ain't nothin' but a G Thang, BAY-BAY!
Two Loced out Gs goin' Cray-Zay!
Death Row is the Label that Pays Me!
Unfadable so please don't try and fade me, but uh...
Back to the lecture at hand... Blood Sisters of Lesian Sin is an exploitation flick. Its goal is to sucker you into paying to watch it, and then not bothering to deliver on the promise of its title. Justin Gorence (from The Young and the Restless and From Justin to Kelly) plays Johnny "The Monk" Blake, the dumbshit Vampire Hunter who gets suckered in to doing the dirty work of a large-breasted Lawyer named Kathryn Coogan, who is really the evil, yet quite hot, witch Sister Avarice (Lara Daans). Really, he doesn't have to be a dumbshit to do her bidding, he just has to have eyes because... damn... but I have to ask... is an avaricious Witch really scarier than a Blood Sucking Lawyer? I'm not complaining, really, because as the witch, she gets naked.
Anyway, her Bullshit story goes something like this: Coogan's erstwhile naked mother was the servant of a small-town southern demon named Asmodeus (Not the cool one from Redwall, just some DOUCHE!). She gets raped and kidnapped by an even bigger douche. She bares him three daughters, all of whom inherit a third of some douchebag dumbshit gem that is embued with Satanic (or is that ASMODEIC) powers.
The Monk's job is to give Sister Avarice an orgasm (he fails) and then steal the other two thirds of the gem from Avarice's dumbshit siblings Sister Anger (the semi-hot Alisa Christensen, who played the important role of "Lady in Toilet" in the important movie Whore) and Sister Lust (the hot, yet big-haired, Jenna Johns, who never played anything in any flick ever before or after, whether important or not). Because they're SUPPOSED TO BE "Lesbian Sisters", The Monk is just damned lucky he's got his faithful secretary Karen (Heather Lea McIntyre) to help him seduce the chicks.
But therein lies the problem. There isn't any "Lesbian Sin" in this flick. No "Lesbian Blessings" either. There's a little bit of Girl Kissing between Karen and the unintentionally scary (she looks like she should be in Twisted Sister) Sister Anger. But just when it starts getting good, it ends. Similarly, there is a tantalizing scene with Sister Lust that features two different MEGA-hotties getting naked. Separately. Oh, don't get me wrong... I appreciated it. Hot, hot hot! But kids, this is flat out false advertising. With a title like Blood Sisters of Lesbian Sin we should be seeing some hot Lord of the G-Strings style Naked Pretzel action. Man... what false advertising! This is like when I walked into a store called "The Blow Job" and found out it was a place where they sold Oscillating Fans.
Well, I'm NOT a "fan" of this movie. Let's just pretend this one was 100% legitimate and delivered on its promise. It still sucked. The acting was bad, the effects were bad, the writing, directing... ugh. And I mean... BAD FOR TROMA, even. You expect Troma movies to be "bad", but this movie is just... Well, I'll say this: My wife watched it with me (I love getting my wife to watch movies with "Lesbian" in the title)... it was her first Troma experience, believe it or not. When this reject from HELL went SLOUCHING back toward NETFLIX she asked me if this was the worst Horror Movie I'd ever seen. Sadly, the answer to that is: "Not Even Close!" She then revised it and asked if this might be the worst movie since the Summer of Horror began. Sadly, still no.
Why do I put myself through this Bullshit Douchebag Garbage? I must be a dumbshit.
TROMA ENTERTAINMENT INC. has made quite a few careers with their ability to try to suck and fail at sucking, creating ironically good bad movies. Blood Sisters of Lesbian Sin is not one of those movies. Blood Sisters of Lesbian Sin succeeds greatly at sucking. Yes, Blood Sisters of Lesbian Sin gets a DOG! I can't believe I'm giving a movie with "Lesbian" in the title a DOG, but that's more than fair. It sucks like the Eight Pound Oreck XL, but Troma won't give you your money back for this one, even though you WON'T be completely satisfied. FUCK! If you love this movie (and, come ON!), I should let you know that the "writer" of this empty vessel, Lou Aguilar, has also "written" three other silly movies and while "director" Greg Griffin has mercifully not been given another canvass chair, he did go on to become an associate producer of America's Next Top Model. Makes sense. The T&A were the only truly good aspects of this forlorn film. Ah, well, I guess it could've been worse. There could've been no nudity. Could've been comepletely accurate to the title... they could've been on the rag. Sorry. See you in the next reel.
Maybe I'll do DRE DAY next time!
We'd rename it "J Day"!
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