Hollywood Homicide (2003)
(Release Date: June 10, 2003)

Harrison Ford needs a Hit... BAD

Note: Chet and Brad from local College band Angry Baboon (reviewers of xXx and Die Another Day) are back with us again to review the Harrison Ford Entry into the Cop Buddy movie genre called Hollywood Homicide! As a part of an agreement Chet made in exchange for helping him pass Chemistry 405, local Biology Major Weiland MacGillicutty is joining us as a guest reviewer with his own unique take on films, spores, mold and fungus! Should be of interest to us all!
J.C. Maçek III
The World's Greatest Critic!

Brad: Morning!

Chet: Afternoon!

Weiland: Today on Brother Kneumsi Reviews we will be discussing-

Brad: Cut it!

Chet: Stop right there!

Weiland: But I wasn't....

Brad: We know...

Chet: Yeah! You're jumping the gun, man!

Weiland: What, what I was-

Brad: Dude, haven't you read any reviews on this site? First comes the Witty Banter...

Chet: Than comes the set up! And only Then-

Brad: -after a dramatic and humorous segway from real life into the movie itself-

Chet: -we get in to the reviewing. This isn't Eggbert and Rubber!

Weiland: Ebert and Roper!

Brad: Who ever!

Chet: Yeah, chill! So tell us what you've been up to, kid!

Weiland: Giving up evenings and weekends to help you pass Chem-

Chet: And in to the review we go! This time around we paid to see Hollywood Homicide!

Brad: And we bought old Wieland here a ticket too!

Chet: Because we love this guy, love love love!

Weiland: You used to beat me up in High School!

Chet: Only when you blew your nose on my Letter Jacket!

Brad: Which you actually inherited from your Jock older brother!

Chet: It's called Irony, man! I'm a Punk!

Brad: It's called looking up to your big brother as if he was King Kong, or something, mamma's boy!

Weiland: Can we get in to the review, please?

Brad: Why are you in such a hurry? Is Thundercats coming on?

Chet: Ooooooooooooooooooooooooh, you didn't!

Weiland: Real mature, real mature!

Brad: Okay, let's get in to the Groove! Guys, who, oh who, is your favorite actor?

Chet: Harrison Ford, totally!

Brad: No doubt! Witness, Star Wars, Indiana Jones...

Weiland: Yeah... Sabrina!

Brad: Um...

Chet: Well...

Weiland: Working Girl!

Brad: Okay, so Harrison Ford is our favorite actor!

Chet: He's mine!

Weiland: Not mine, I like Woody Allen!

Brad: Woody...

Chet: um... Allen... okay!

Weiland: Well, what's wrong with-

Brad: Well, Woodsy Owl aside, we just paid to see Hollywood Homicide starring Harrison Ford.

Chet: And we bought old Weiland a ticket!

Weiland: Because they love me!

Brad: Rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrright... enough about you!

Chet: And the idea was, like how bad could it be? Ford's in it!

Brad: And who doesn't love Ford?

Weiland: Ah! Sabrina!

Brad: Rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrright... enough about Sabrina!

Chet: Well here's the problem with Harrison Ford's movies lately... they aren't that bad!

Brad: But they aren't that incredible either!

Chet: Right, it's like when you were a kid and you got all these incredible presents every year for your Birthday!

Brad: But you start, like, expecting them to always be incredible, but what ends up happening?

Chet: The gifts end up sucking one year because they get all "Practical" on you! You're hoping for like an electric guitar!

Chet: but you get an electric Skil Saw and a Hot Glue Gun!

Weiland: What's wrong with that, guys?

Brad: Nothing, man, nothing! That's the point, there's nothing wrong with these gifts, but you were hoping for memories of that Christmas when Uncle George bought you the USS Flagg Aircraft Carrier from G.I. Joe!

Chet: Yeah, the greatness is gone, but you still wish for it!

Brad: And no matter how much you pray that you're going to get the keys to Dad's '55 Chevy this year, you know, deep down in your heart that you're going to end up with a box of last year's on-sale closeouts from J.C. Penney!

Chet: Or maybe a yellowing bag of Socks and Underwear!

Weiland: That's what I get every year!

Brad: Really? And I thought Parents would just adore you!

Chet: Yeah, you have that certain, you know, Brian Johnson in The Breakfast Club, you know, Je Ne Sais Que!

Weiland: Can we get back to the process of reviewing this movie, please?

Brad: Sure, man, sure, take a pill! Anyway, that's what Ford's films have been like lately, you're used to Star Wars and Blade Runner and Regarding Henry!

Chet: Apocalypse Now and The Fugitive and The Last Crusade -

Weiland: All good movies!

Brad: - but you like end up with K-19, Six Days, Seven Nights...

Chet: The Devil's Own, Random Hearts, Sabrina!

Weiland: Hey!

Chet: Sorry, man, Sorry, I couldn't resist, but you get the old pointarino, right? None of these movies are Bad!

Brad: Especially K-19... the accent, man!

Chet: True, but none of them are as great as, say The Mosquito Coast!

Brad: Good call... Um, I guess... Mosquito Coast, huh? Okay, anyway, Harrison Ford plays-

Weiland: -No, wait!

Brad: What?

Weiland: It's my turn... I want to do the synopsis!

Chet: Weiland, man, I-

Weiland: No, seriously, I have this whole thing planned and written out, and you guys stopped me, it's not fair, I should get to say it!

Brad: Shit! Chet, what did you end up getting on that Chem final?

Chet: A C +!

Brad: Shit! So I guess he really did help you! Okay, Way-lame! Go for it!

Weiland: Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay! I'm ready, I'm ready, I'm ready! Okay, Harrison Ford plays Detective Joe Gavilan, a hard-boiled cop who tries to make extra money on the side as a real estate broker-

Brad: Which is so la-

Weiland: Do you mind?

Chet: Put it down, Brad... yeah, go ahead, Weiland!

Weiland: Meanwhile, Josh Hartnett (of Pearl Harbor heart throb fame)-

Brad: Oh my God!

Weiland: -plays his youthful sidekick, K.C. Calden, who is more interested in becoming an Actor than being a detective. He can't even shoot! He also teaches Tai Chi Classes and he actively practices Yoga! When an up and coming hip hop act are murdered at an L.A. Club, it's incumbent upon Joe and K.C. to solve the case!

Chet: And what follows is-

Weiland: I'm not done, Chet!

Brad: Let me kill him!

Chet: Chill for a minute longer!

Weiland: All the while Joe is embroiled in an internal affairs investigation sp-mmph-mmmm-mphsssssss-

Brad: -spearheaded by Bruce Greenwood of the universe's most underappreciated drama, UPN's short lived Nowhere Man!

Chet: Yeah, that was great! Great show. You can take your hand off of Weiland's mouth now!

Weiland: *gasp* I don't get you, Brad!

Brad: Nobody does, I'm the wind, bay-bay!

Chet: You done, Weiland?

Weiland: Not even close! It turns out in the end that the whole plot was part of a-

Brad: WHOA!

Chet: Down boy!

Weiland: What now?

Brad: You can't give away too much without declaring "Spoilers!"

Weiland: Well then, get ready for some Spoi-

Chet: No, man, no... we don't do this, we critique, not "give away!"

Weiland: But...

Brad: Look, no matter how much it sucks, you just have to assume that someone wants to see it!

Chet: Observe: Once again, Harrison Ford does a great job of acting, but he comes off a little strange doing this kind of Comedy!

Brad: Yeah, essentially he's kind of uneven, playing Harrison Ford some times, then he gets into Eddie Murphy some times, and just for good measure throws in some Nick Nolte!

Weiland: You're saying he can't decide how to play Gavilan and he's all over the board!

Brad: Yeah, but I said it better than that!

Chet: Now, now!

Brad: And Hartnett isn't any better. It's like he knows he can't compare to Ford, so he just reacts to him like Beyonce in that Austin Powers thing.

Chet: Yeah, there was a lot of that in there!

Weiland: Hey, I really like Austin Powers!

Brad: Oh, really? That's country amazing!

Chet: There were some really good things too! Like Lena Olin from Romeo is Bleeding and Alias!

Brad: Yeah, she really is lovely, man! I can't get over how pretty she is for her age!

Chet: Totally! Her character, Ruby, feels sort of tacked on though, and not necessary! It's like they just needed some more comedy because so much wasn't working so they said "Hey, Psychics are funny! Let's cast Lena Olin!"

Weiland: Lena Olin isn't really a psychic is she?

Brad: Damn!

Chet: No, Ruby was, I meant... shit, never mind!

Weiland: And like Brad said, Bruce Greenwood was good!

Brad: Why... why, thank you! Yeah, he was actually one of those love-to-hate-him guys!

Chet: Yeah, like Andy Sipowicz!

Weiland: Or Andy Rooney!

Brad: Man! Anyway, there were some other cool things like a little cameo from Isaiah Washington! Oh, Oh, and one from Andre 3000 from OutKast!

Chet: Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeey Ya!

Weiland: Who?

Brad: And that dude from the X-Files, Martin Landau!

Chet: Yeah, he was okay! Not as great as in Ed Wood!

Weiland: Or in that Pinocchio movie!

Brad: Man, wake up and smell the POT!

Chet: Brad, please! But the whole thing is only a time passer! You can see Ford wanting to be funny and feeling self-satisfied but it's hit and miss. Hartnett just seems goofy, and his stabs at drama are more dormant than poignant!

Weiland: What about at the very end when he has the choice between killing the guy who-

Brad: DUDE!

Chet: No spoilers, cat!

Weiland: Oh... come on... we're all adults here!

Brad: Let me gag him!

Chet: No, let's just move on. Anyway, all in all you can see how they were trying to make a good and funny cop buddy movie, but it just falls flat!

Brad: And I wasn't even surprised that Ford took the role. After K-19 flopped I think he was shooting hard for a hit, and this one was on proven ground! It just didn't quite make it!

Weiland: But it's not bad!

Chet: No, if it were this, or say The Adventures of Pluto Nash I would be watching this in a second!

Weiland: Yeah...

Brad: There are funny parts but they could have been funnier with more development. Like the musical tastes difference...

Chet: Yeah, see, Joe likes Motown, and K.C. is more of a Early 80's type of rocker! It's funny to hear Joe's cell phone ringer play "My Girl" while K.C.'s plays "Funky Town!"

Weiland: Especially in the end when it goes off during K.C.'s PRRF-Murph-DRUFF!

Brad: And I'm not taking my hand off your spoiling mouth until we're done!

Chet: So how should we rate this one?


Brad: Hey, don't lick!

Chet: Oh, gross!

Weiland: Well, stop covering my mouth!

Brad: Well stop giving away spoilers!

Chet: Two and one half stars!

Weiland: Three and a half!

Brad: Nah, only three!

Chet: So we can't agree...

Weiland: Oopsie Daisy!

Brad: Iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii dislike you!

Chet: Let's just average it out and give Hollywood Homicide Three Stars out of five!

Weiland: So Brad gets his way?

Brad: Oh, come on!

Chet: So we'll be back next week!

Weiland: We will?

Brad: But not with Way-lame with us!

Chet: What are you talking about? This is the best review we've ever done!

Weiland: Thank you, Chet!

Chet: No problem, I have Chem 415 this coming semester!

Brad: I wish I was dead!

Chet: So until next time, or until Brad dies, that's this week's review...

Brad: And don't forget...

Chet: ... Save us the Aisle seats!

Weiland: Hey, I wanted to say that!

Brad: It was Chet's turn!

Chet: Yeah, we agreed!

Weiland: Just for that, I get to sit in with your band's next gig!

Brad: Chet?

Chet: Yeah, Brad?

Brad: Kill me?

Chet: No, I can't... you're the drummer!

Brad: Kill Way-Lame?

Chet: No.

Brad: Damn!

Have a Shovel full of Reviews!
Point, Click and Enjoy!

Hollywood Homicide (2003) reviewed by J.C. Maçek III (really) who is responsible for his own opinions and... for the house he wants to sell you on the way to his acting audition!
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