For this year's 2015 Christmas Turkey, I'll be horn swoggled if I don't have something for you that's worse than both... almost combined. Cutting to the proverbial chase, the film is called Robo Vampire, it sucks like a pulsar wearing an NKOTB t-shirt, it's a rip off of RoboCop and the Predator parts of Robowar (not even Predator itself) and it's all about supernatural kung fu idiots.
I wish I was kididng about any of that but I'm NOT!
Robo Vampire is pretty much exactly what you'd expect from a title like that considering the fact that it was released in 1988 and was one of the (inexplicable) rip offs of the original RoboCop. Take one look at that international poster which liberally steals the artwork from RoboCop. Let me tell you a little secret... the actual "Robo Vampire" in this piece of shit movie doesn't look a fraction as good as the RoboCop depicted in that pilfered painting. You want to hear something really horrible? The "Robo Vampire" in this piece of shit movie doesn't look a fraction as good as the RoboCop ripoff depicted in Robowar. That's... shameful, man.
What does the Robo Vampire resemble?
Ever see the original Cybermen from Doctor Who? Okay, imagine starting with that low-budget but inventive quality and then going back a few generations to a high school play version of R.U.R. and you might have an idea of how shitty this guy looks. And he's supposed to be our RoboCop?
Luckily the plot is hilarious... unfortunatley it's not enough to make the movie any fucking good.
No. Not at all.
How they managed to rip off Robowar this fast is almost as baffling as why the fuck they wanted to, considering the fact that Robowar is the filmic equivalent of an ass itch. Robo Vampire is even worse. It's like watching flies fuck.
So we begin with a group of vaguely badass commando cops that the producers hope we will confuse with the DEA or some shit like that. Attempting to stop a drug ring from distributing its evil white powder, these international douchebags with guns manage to awaken a few... Vampires. Yes... Vampires. Kung Fu Vampires who not only suck but hop around like stunted rabbits to get hold of their prey. Bullets don't hurt them, it's true, but their main ability is to stop their opponents in their tracks by forcing them to double over in laughter as if The Joker just released a Macy's baloon full of Smilex on them.
It gets worse from there.
A wicked magician/ drug distributor is selling heroine and shit like that (we guess) by stuffing baggies filled with the shit into live cows (yes, they show the surgery because they're dicks) and into coffins packed with Vampires. Often these Vampires seem to have a makeup job remeniscent of those Vampire/ Zombies from fucking Nightmare City... which is to say it looks like someone ate a double order of rancid sushi and then vomited on their faces. That's right... someone thought it was a good idea to "borrow" from Umberto fucking Lenzi!
Word to the wise, folks, it's never good to pre-judge a movie, but when it starts out this bad, there's no WAY it's going to manage to get good... ever.
And it doesn't.
Just when the evil drug lord/ magic Hong Kong Shaman is getting his shit back together (courtesy of some magic spell parchments that stop the Vampires in their tracks when placed on their foreheads) a ghost floats in and goes full-on Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon on the whole mess. Why? Well, because one of the Vampires the evil dickhead converted was the fiance of the angry ghost who came back for revenge on account of the actions of the drug lord have prevented their eternal afterlife together.
Yeah, swallow that.
So the evil drug lord forces her fiance to come back (though he looks more like a bad Party City mask of a clownish gorilla than a Vampire) to fight the ghost girl, adding insult to injury. This all turns around when the Vampire victor recognizes a tattoo on her thigh and stops because he remembers he's in love with her. This is in spite of the fact that the ghost girl is wearing a completely transparent top that exposes her breasts, has nothing to disguise her face and eyes and is speaking their entire life history together in her undisguised voice. So... it's the Tattoo that stops him. What a catch he must have been. No wonder their parents didn't want them to marry. Want to know what's funnier? After that they actually convince the drug lord dick to marry them in a hilarious excuse for a ceremony.
I know, I know, I know, you're all wondering "So what the EFF-YOU-SEE-KAY does this have to do with RoboCop? My guess is that not even screenwriter William Palmer had any fucking clue about that, especially since his only other screen credit is some idiotic excuse for a film called Devil's Dynamite from the previous year, but don't worry, it's coming.
One of the terrible DEA/ Enforcer/ Cop/ Dick Brains named Tom Wilde is critically injured in the raid that interrupts the incredibly stupid idea of a wedding between a half-naked ghost and her mentally incapacitated Vampire groom. Needless to say, Wilde's superiors (and I can't imagine that he had many inferiors, looking at him) decided to bring him back as an android... with I don't know, maybe some Vampire powers? Shit, who knows? The movie is denser than sea poop.
So, yeah, this movie is definitely RoboCop in every way that counts. Of course the dipshit duo of the ghost chick and the Vampire dude are still running around delivering bad lines and doing the Bunny Hop. This leads me to my favorite line of the whole film as the ghost chick tells the silver painted bee suit wearing title character: "Don't kill us, we love each other. You can kill us, but wait till our love's consumated!"
If that wasn't bad enough, this reminds him of his own wife (while he was living) and how much he loved her... as well as how much she really didn't love him. It's hilarious how she breaks a passionate kiss to basically tell him to go fuck himself... because he's a cop... which she already knew when she married him... but... I don't know... She's complex, right?
This even leads to a ridiculously bad fight sequence where the ghost and several sushi-puke faced Vampires take turns beating the crap out of the RoboCop wannabe and proving to us how bad his costume really is. I mean, shit, was Goodwill closed? What the fuck is up with what this sorry excuse for a cyborg is wearing?
From this pathetic point forward we switch back and forth between supernatural scenes of Vampiric Ghost Sex, RoboCop-reminiscent executions in the name of the Law (although whose law is never disclosed) and a jungle action horror drug trade adventure that seems like it's been borrowed from a completely different movie. Then when they have time they throw in some lame hostage story about a chick named Sophie getting the old Chinese Water Torture.
Let me explain this one thing... a true Cinephile never walks out on a movie and never turns a movie off before it's 100% complete. That's what we do. We're Cinephiles, right?
Well, take it from me, you're not missing DICK in this movie. Not DICK! This movie is a waste of fucking time on every fucking level.
Follow your instinct to turn this movie OFF like a light switch the moment you first get the inkling. It doesn't get better. It's almost completely devoid of redeeming qualities.
Need more of a hint? Well, credited director Joe Livingstone never really existed. No, in spite of the fact that "Living Stone" would describe most every one of the actors here, Robo Vampire was actually directed by a douche named Godfrey Ho who also helmed such Hong Kong Klassics as Dragon's Snakefist (1979), Mission for the Dragon (1980), Snake Strikes Back (1981), Ninja the Violent Sorcerer (1982) and Zombie Vs. Ninja (1989), so you know you're not in for a treat.
That is, unless your treat is irony. I mean when the RoboCop knockoff gets attacked by a giant dragon claw, there's almost nothing to do but laugh or cry. It's that bad. That's not even to mention that the RoboCop knockoff walks from Hopping Kung Fu Vampire kill to Hopping Kung Fu Vampire Kill walking less like RoboCop and more like some complete goof bag actually "doing the Robot" in some lame West End disco. Oh, and, dude, the Vampires hopping? Holy shit, it's incredibly stupid. I've seen movies that have TRIED to suck that have sucked less than this piece of shit.
I mean, seriously, the "hero" is so fucking lame that I would have totally rooted for the villains in this cess pool had it not been for the obnoxious bunny hopping. Vampires who bunny hop? Is that the next thing after Vampires sparkling in the sunlight? Yes, this is TEN TIMES stupider than anything in Twilight for fuck's sake.
The last twenty minutes look like they were composed of deleted footage with no connection between any one scene to the next. It's like director Ho left a few cameras on, said "Do that shit I suggested, okay, I'll be at lunch!" then instead went for a massage and a happy ending, came back, looked at the footage and said "Fuck yeah! This is gold!" and edited it together with careless ease and then released it (for no good reason).
Robo Vampire fights the... not-so-robo Vampires, then the evil drug lord asshole magician fuck gets into a fist and sword fight with the half-naked ghost chick and then there's what looks like a dance number between fat people a gorilla and a guy in a bee keeper's suit that's been painted silver and then ignited with Fourth of July Sparklers... huh. I haven't seen anything this bad or as many mismatched costumes since I watched Dunyayi Kurtaran Adam, man! Yeah, even I'm lost. It's that bad. No. It's worse.
This is a contender for the worst movie I've ever seen. Godrey Ho should be brought up on War Crimes charges. The film is bad. The ending is ten times worse.
Don't watch this movie. Not on a dare, not on a bet. Your health may suffer. Yes, folks, it may be incredibly obvious to give a movie called Robo Vampire a DOG rating, but it's Christmas and at WorldsGreatestCritic.com a Turkey is demanded on Christmas and this year (and every year's) Christmas Turkey is a DOG on WorldsGreatestCritic.com! I don't blame you all for spitting this one into your napkins. Yeah, it's awful.
See you in the next reel! BRING ROLAIDS!
Fuck Godfrey Ho!
Fuck Robo Vampire!
Fuck everyone who ever had anything to do with it.
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