The Graveyard (2006)
AKA: Bloody Murder 3
(Release Date: June 27, 2006)


like crapping and vomiting at the same time!

Reaching New Heights of Claimed Originality!!!


J.C. Mašek III... 

I admit it... I want to fuck Whatshername!
J.C. Mašek III
The World's Greatest Critic!





In 2004 Adam & Evil was released in the UK with the name Halloween Camp 2 to cash in on the dubious and relative success of another straight to video turd called Halloween Camp: Trevor Vs. Jason which was really Bloody Murder 2 renamed to cash in on the dubious and relative successes of the Friday the 13th and Halloween franchises. But just because that happened doesn't mean that there was anyone out there who actually was demanding more from the Bloody Murder Series of Rip Offs.
Oh fuck you! That's NIGHTWATCH!


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See Also:

Bloody Murder
Bloody Murder 2: Closing Camp
Adam & Evil

But lo and behold, Mainline Releasing has decided to give us one more after all. The thing that amazes me more than anything is that piece of cinematic gangrene wasn't released as Bloody Murder 3... or maybe Halloween Camp 3... or even Scream Bloody Murder If You Wanna Die Faster 4. Hey, I'll give it time... I haven't seen an official UK release date yet.

The Graveyard, as it's called, doesn't even try to be different from the first two (or three) films in the "Series" no matter what it's being called. Although billed as a "Spin off" from (instead of a "sequel" to) Bloody Murder, in actual fact this dingle berry comes off as more of a remake than anything else. The following "recap" might not make sense if you haven't seen any of the other flicks in this series, but since I don't recommend that, do what you like.

The first spoken words in this bad movie are "Placid Pines" (the name of the camp in Bloody Murder). The "plot" starts out with a game of Tag (here called "Run For Your Life" instead of "Bloody Murder") during which one of the players dresses up in coveralls with a black hood and a white fright mask in order to pull a scary prank on the rest of the usual gang of idiots. And one of them dies just afterward. Now, I know this is exactly what happened at the beginnings of Bloody Murder and Bloody Murder 2, but it's actually completely different! This time the mask more resembles "Leatherface" than "Jason" or "Michael", and the fatal game doesn't take place at a camp in the woods, it takes place in a Graveyard (hence the title). Another thing that's different is that we have to flash forward five years because stupid Bobby (Patrick Scott Lewis) has to spend five resentful years in prison for the "manslaughter" of stupid Eric (Mark Salling). "Completely Different?" Yeah, like Pepsi is "Completely Different" from Coke.

Once out, his hot friend Michelle (Lindsay Ballew) drives him right out to... Camp Placid Pines... for a reunion with the people he wants to forget. Incidentally they cruelly drive past the same cemetery, probably costing Bobby a few more years of Therapy. They sort of have to, though... this pristine cemetery is the only damned place anywhere close to Camp Placid Pines. I mean, it's in walking distance from the camp, walking distance from town, but somehow, it's impossible to just walk from Camp to the Town.

From there, the rip offs continue. There is yet another arduous second act at the camp during which people start dying one at a time. There is yet again a sex scene during which another party watches with great interest and yet another Psycho-esque shower/ murder scene. This time there is not some mere suggestion of a lesbian curiosity, but an actual out and out lesbian relationship (don't get your hopes up guys). Exactly like before a laptop computer is the key to figuring out the mystery. Again we get a female lead being stuck like glue to someone who just may or may not be the killer. This time we get even more dorky looking guys with really hot women. Once again we get the ubiquitous self referencing as if to cry out that this film knows it's derivative (it thinks it's Scream). Not only is "Jason" called by name but so is Sleepaway Camp!

Unlike last time, however, there's no real fun in trying to figure out who the killer really is. In fact, the red herring of "Trevor Moorhouse" (who is never even mentioned in this movie, in spite of everything else that has been ripped off) has completely evaporated like boiling Ever Clear, leaving only one person the killer could logically be... again, it's the only one who doesn't seem like the likely culprit. So much light is shined on everyone else that the real villain might as well be wearing a sign that says "It's really me, folks!" What a Douche!

The acting is pretty poor, especially when these poor kids are forced to chew out dialogue that would make the Weekly World News seem literary by comparison. But it's not just the spoken word, the blocking, interaction and movements (in short, the "Directing") all suck. I don't entirely blame credited director Michael Feifer for this. In fact, it seems to be a rushed production with a budget to match and, as far as I could tell, no credited writer. I even checked the "official site" and found nothing but broken links and "Photos" that wouldn't load.

I would like to say "Thank You" to Eva Derrek, whose long and lovely nude scenes make an otherwise pig-butt miserable film bearable. I'm just sad she had to get groped and sweated on by such a goof as Markus Potter's Peter. Yeah, I can't imagine anybody wanting to get all that familiar with Markus Potter's Peter. Of course I'd have preferred if Eva and her costars Lindsay Ballew, Trish Coren, Erin Lokitz and Natalie Denise Sperl had all shared that shower together... and there wouldn't have had to be a killer, or anything else... I mean, hell, you have to capitalize on your assets, right?

Like Adam & Evil, The Graveyard is filled with not-so-bad actors slumming it. These might not be top of the pops, but you'll probably see them again on television or in minor parts in better movies! Who knows, maybe they'll all have enough money to buy the rights to The Graveyard just to let it go out of print. It never stops ripping off every film it has any interest in, including its own series, AND the House Fire motive from fellow filmic con artist, Adam & Evil. Forget why they didn't call it Bloody Murder 3... they should've just been honest and called it Bloody Murder, as derivative as it is, man! Yeah, that's why it gets a Dog. It's Bad, Bad... like Leroy Brown, the baddest man in the whole damn town. Badder than ol' King Kong... Meaner than a Junkyard Dog! Yes, it's safe to say, I don't dig The Graveyard! Time to go the hell to sleep. Soon I'll need therapy for watching garbage like this. Thank God I've got my day job. While I patently dislike the damned thing, from now on I can just think about Sam Balogna's Balogna-Filled portrayal of the Sheriff. Man, I haven't seen anything this bad since 1974. I'll take my revenge... in the next reel!

Shepis or Derrek?
Shepis or Derrek?
Can I have BOTH?
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The Graveyard (2006)
Reviewed by J.C. Mašek III
who is solely responsible for his views,
and for the fact that HE'LL HAVE HIS REVENGE!!!
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