(Release Date: August 19, 1983)
I was wrong.
In spite of the rave reviews I gave my fellow day care center "schoolagers" (yeah, I did this crap back then, too), Yor is one of the comically worst films ever made. Bad dubbing, ridiculous special effects, beautiful women... it must have been made in Italy. Well, it was, although it was filmed in Turkey which I... I think is appropriate.
So, Yor, the Italian Turkey from Turkey stars Reb Brown of Television's motorcycle-infused Captain America TV Movie. Here he's developed quite a coif (from the neck up he looks like a Canadian Hockey Player) quite a physique (from the neck down, dare you look, he resembles either He-Man or Conan) and absolutely no acting skills whatsoever. Director Antonio Margheriti seems to be working every possible angle to make absolutely sure that you see virtually every inch of ol' Reb whether you want to or not. This starts to get troubling no later than the opening credits which features Reb, as Yor (the hunter from the mountains... he doesn't know he's from the future yet) walking around on rock formations for what feels like approximately seventy-two hours of screen time. I had to pause, go shave, shower and have some breakfast before I could continue... because... damn!
About the time of my 83rd Birthday, it seemed, Yor the Bore had finally made it to a crappy village at the foot of the mountain just in time to kill a big, plastic dinosaur, which was nice of him, methinks. At a celebration in his honor (because nobody kills a big, plastic dinosaur like Dino-Yor) a bunch of hairy party crashers part sleestack and part smurf kills everybody in the village except for the really hot Ka-Laa (Corinne Cléry, whose primitive surroundings don't prevent her from having a really big and prominent Salon Perm) and her surrogate father Pag (Luciano Pigozzi, whom I think is Italian, maybe).
You know, really, I've never been to a single party that culminated in everybody getting slaughtered that wasn't a complete drag. Yor thinks so too, but he's pretty much enamored by Ka-Laa's booty shakin' beauty (which is considerable), so he decides, you know, it's cool, so the trio set about their task to figure out where the hell this big, dorky Leisure Suit medallion he's wearing came from.
So, into the wilderness they stagger where Yor meets an even hotter chick in the form of Ayshe Gul's Roa. If the film wasn't hilarious enough (unintentionally) the clumsy love triangle between Ka-Laa, Roa and Yor is worthy of a comedy award. And that's not the only woman whom Yor gets tempted by. Clearly this World of Yor is also the World of poor eyesight.
It gets even worse when Yor exchanges Prehistoric enemies, like the repeated cheap-looking dinosaurs, for futuristic enemies, like The Overlord (John Steiner), an Emperor-Esque hooded baddie who has a gang of robotic stormtroopers that... get this... look just like Darth Vader! The Overlord also has superior technology, a large group of followers, the power to teleport (though not to anywhere convenient, we discover) and a penchant for really bad overacting. Yeah... that's where we get the "Future" part of the title from.
Actually, doesn't that sound a little bit familiar? Primative Thong-Wearing Caveman Nerd descends from Mountains only to discover the land of his forefathers is controled by an evil, technological race? Dude, call Reb a Scientologist, because that's almost exactly the theme of Battlefield Earth. The only difference is that more people actually saw Yor than Battlefield Earth!
I kid you not, it's in there like Prego!
It all leads up to a hilariously sanctimonious ending with the approximate emotional weight of a show on Vulcan Public Broadcasting! It's as comically painful to watch as the rest of this Turkey. From the dud dialogue to the wooden delivery to the anything-but-gratuitous shots of Reb's Thong-Framed ASS to the crash and burn special effects to the completely inconsistent technology to the TV Movie framing to the change-with-each-cut lighting, this film is an incredibly funny contender for the "Plan 9 From Outer Space" legacy for the 1980s. The fact that this film was only nominated for three 1984 Razzie Awards is as funny as anything in this film.
Why? Sadly, and with apologies to the 9 Year Old Me, Yor, the Hunter from the Future is a DOG! But to be kind, it's the sort of DOG that it's somehow hard to hate. While sanctimonious and silly, this is a well-intentioned little minor film without the vinegar to cut the mustard. In that respect, Yor is very much in the tradition of Santa Claus Conquers the Martians. You know those big, friendly stupid dogs that always get in your face and wag their tails wildly, barking with a big smile on their faces, completely oblivious to the fact that they're drooling everywhere and making a mess... you know the kind that have flat noses because they chase parked cars and they'll occasionally get really excited and tackle the mailman or maybe even try to steal a bone from that Doggy in the Mirror, or even run after a cat, which is actually an image on the Television or perhaps a still picture... the kind that you'll throw a stick for and yell "Fetch, Rover!" and he'll come back with a tire? That's Yor! Stupid, but well intentioned and friendly, so you just can't send them to the pound. I'd like to thank my Mom for sitting through this with me. It must have been significantly worse than my sitting through Pokémon: The First Movie, which debuted when my daughter was Nine. At least we had Mewtwo in that one. That dude was cool! But I digress... So, until sexy Ka-Laa's deadpan-posed, yet exceptionally appropriate, question of "Why is Yor different from other men?" gets answered, I'll see you in the next reel.
What ever the answer is, it's not because he's a college student. Good Grief!
Yor... about to Click Here...
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Yor... gonna watch out for Paper Mache Dinosaurs though, right?