It's February 3, 2004 and all over the news is the "Unintentional" Right Breast shot of Janet Jackson at the hands of that new backstreet boy -n- the sink Justin Timberlake! At the end of a Saucy (except Justin) dance number, Timberlake reached across and pulled off the right cup of Janet Jackson's Corset, taking with it the front of her red laced brassier. This left her right breast naked except for an elaborate nipple ring! (Note: As of 2/6/03 Janet's Admitting "fault" and apologizing and Justin's still saying "I didn't do it! Nobody Saw Me! You can't prove anything!" like a poppy version of Bart Simpson with worse hair!) It's been called an "Outrage!" It's been called "Offensive!" They're even talking about fining each of the over 200 CBS Affiliates more than twenty-seven grand a Piece because it's so horrendous! Apologies have been demanded and have been granted to the "Very Angry Public!" Many even feel that it's disgusting.
Folks, what it really is, is beautiful! I don't even mean this in a lecherous testosterone filled sort of way, although that's there! I'll admit my jaw dropped like the Stock Market under "W" when I saw that huge, yet perfectly formed Breast! Let's face it, I've been dying to see her boobs since the late 1980s. I also scoured the internet that night and first thing the next day to acquire my Yummy Mementos of that "Special Guest Star!" Look, as Arsenio Hall once said, "she should get an award just for being fine!" I'm happier than Morrissey on Bizarro World that I saw her breast!
But, no, that's not why I'm irritated by this whole thing. I'm not even annoyed because it was Justin "Kick-My-Ass" Timberlake that got the honor! I'm annoyed because WHAT'S THE BIG FAT HAIRY DEAL??? It's a breast! It's a beautiful Breast, yes, but let's face it... isn't acting like one naked, yet adorned, beautiful breast is an Outrage just another way to make women ashamed of themselves? America, we've got much, much bigger problems in this world than being disgusted by a sculpture by Artist God! In Europe no one would have batted an eyelid, but here it's national news. We're talking about more than a five million dollar fine here for something that's designed to feed baby humans!
Let's please be offended by something offensive for a change! I can see a five million dollar fine and national outrage if Johnny Knoxville had skurked on to the stage and took a dump in front of the crowd, but not this! Women are beautiful and should be proud of it.
Yeah, okay, it violates broad (no pun intended) casting standards and maybe this should be looked at (no joke intended)! But "Disgusting?" "Outrageous?" "Offensive?" I say thee nay!
I guess the moral of the story is "keep those dirty pillows hidden, girls!" Misogynistic tripe!
Let's face it though, except for that sculpted breast the show sucked like a super-charged vacuum cleaner! What the hell was MTV thinking? They needed something to spice this up, man! Come on! I haven't seen a lamer Halftime show since the time the Shreveport Little Theatre staged their own which resulted in the building burning down!
What was so wrong with it? There's an odd Limbo period between when a song is a "current Hit" and when a few songs, if good enough, become "Classics." Every song performed during the MTV-produced AOL Top Speed Super Bowl XXXVIII halftime performance show were neither Current hits, nor were they Classics. They were all "space-holders" at best! Not that I'd expect MTV to know that... they don't even play Videos anymore!
But on to the Recap! First, we get Janet Jackson popping up out of the stage and singing a mediocre song, neither current nor classic. Then Sean "P. Diddy/ Puff Daddy/ Ex-Mr. Lopez/ Puffy" Combs wanders on stage to regale us with last year's medium-hit "We Ain't Goin' Nowhere", this time without Dave Navarro or any rock and roll accompaniment! Next up came Nelly singing what is apparently the only song he knows "Hot in Herre" [SIC]! Again, "Hot in Herre" [SIC] was popular for a time PRIOR to last year's Super Bowl, but hey, I guess MTV Figured it was close enough! Then, up comes Kid Rock for the musical highlight of the show. Look, I like Kid Rock, and all, but his performance of the late '90's hit and not-a-classic "Cowboy" didn't do much for the temporally-challenged MTV. Further, he spouts off about being so proud to be an American, but he's wearing a desecrated American Flag which he summarily drops to the drum riser behind him! You patriot you!
The biggest insult of the Halftime show was the fact that the promised "Special Surprise Guest" turned out to be Justin Timberlake! Not only was that not surprising because he's as ubiquitous as bad taste in a Farrely Brothers film right now, but he had nothing to add to the sucky show. If you like him, God Bless you, but I've seen more talent on a New Orleans Street Corner! Janet gives us Rhythm Nation and then it winds up with an almost pedophilic bump and grind with little Justin. That's just before he granted the wishes of horny suburban fat guys like me!
Look, if you take a gander at my Music Reviews you'll see I'm possibly the least "hit oriented" reviewer out there! The problem here is that MTV claims to have their finger on the pulse of the Hits of America. So, why all these Limbo songs? In 2001 we got current hits from Britney Spears and that Timberlake kid, plus true classics from Aerosmith! This year all the songs were in danger of falling off into the collective unconscious. None were bad songs necessarily, but they were all dubious choices. Again, not bad choices, but unremarkable choices resulting in a mediocre show! Maybe they should have let the Fuse network do it. At lest they still play music! I'll no more on it! I just don't want to get hate emails misunderstanding what I'm talking about here.
Basically, what I'm saying here is that Janet Jackson's nudity, intentional or otherwise, completely saved what was an otherwise so-so Halftime show! In my own mind the special surprise guest could not possibly have been Timberlake, whose appearance was as surprising as Ann Jillian's appearance in The Ann Jillian Story! In my mind the special surprise guest was old Righty there!
Janet shouldn't be apologizing, she should be proud that she's that hot at almost 38 years old! She didn't engage in a sex act, she didn't shoot someone, and she didn't pull a Bono and say "this is so fucking great!" either! This "offense" states that there is something inherently dirty about the female body, which is just plain misogynistic. You can show all kinds of sex on television, and bleeped profanity, and that's just ducky, but a breast! Oh, we'd better fine them Five Million Bucks!
In short... suspicious music choices and substandard performances could only be saved by a little consciousness conquering nudity! Two Stars for what passes for a Halftime show now. Five very enthusiastic Stars for Janet Jackson and her ANYTHING-BUT-OFFENSIVE right breast! Can we please get offended by all the blood and violence on TV? Can we get offended by the profanity and the drug use and the actually offensive crap out there and stop pretending that there's something harmful and shameful about the female body! I salute you, Janet! Schwing, baby, Schwing! Oh, wait... I forgot, her name ain't "baby!" It's "Janet!" "Miss Jackson" if you're nasty!
I guess it's "Miss Jackson" then!
Wardrobe Malfunction INDEED!