April 1st, 2009
Posted: 12:01 AM PT
ORANGE COUNTY, California (WGC) — The critic that owns the WorldsGreatestCritic.com and 6 other online sites (mostly mirrors) said Wednesday he had filed for Chapter 311 bankruptcy, surprising a full 1% of those who had ever heard of him.
J.C. Mašek III said he would continue to operate his Web sites as weirdly as usual while he restructures and stabilizes his operations.
Wednesday’s announcement comes amid a rash of Government bailouts of varied banks, insurance giants and automotive industry staples. Due to the synergy of this announcement and the overall state of the economy, Congress has deemed WorldsGreatestCritic.com "Too Big to Fail" and has thus pumped the website full of funds in exchange for a 40% of the site's non-voting stock.
"This is not a handout!" asserted Congressman Barney Frank, "This is a collateralized loan that WorldsGreatestCritic.com must pay back. If not, the Government will have the right to take full control of WorldsGreatestCritic.com including its non-regulated subsidiaries and the stock of 'substantially all' its regulated subsidiaries, so be warned! But, hell, you know, we probably won't."
There appeared to be no question that Mr. Mašek took this rebuke very seriously. "Prior to this, all I had was a job, a commute, a wife, a kid, a dog, two cats, a turtle, seven guitars, a lawn, laundry, porn, two cars, a house in the suburbs and a workout schedule to attend to. Now, after the failure of my life's work, WorldsGreatestCritic.com, all I have is a job, a commute, a wife, a kid, a dog, two cats, a turtle, seven guitars, a lawn, laundry, porn, two cars, a house in the suburbs and a workout schedule and Fifty Billion Dollars to attend to." After a long, depressed sigh, Mašek added "You know what? Fuck the workouts, now!"
“The significant downturn in the print advertising environment that has affected newspapers across the country has continued to severely impact Movie Review sites like WorldsGreatestCritic.com,” said Federal Reserve Bank chair Ben Bernanke. “Unfortunately, this deteriorating economic climate, has required us to step in to prevent the failure of this valuable institution.”
Secretary Henry Paulson joined Bernanke in expressing concern over the loss of this online anthology of obscure references, esoteric analogies, anti-climactic anecdotes, thinly veiled sexual jargon, complete non-sequiturs and poorly chosen one-liners, but added a sharp rebuke to Mašek and all entrepreneurs like him. “Make no mistake, we are as uncomfortable as the American People are about rewarding the very robber barons who helped the economy run, lemming-like, off this steep-ass cliff!” said the visibly moved Paulson. “But my nephew once told me this guy is kind of funny, so we're going to allow him the time to restructure and show the American Taxpayer that his sites can recover and be profitable again!”
Mašek said the company would explore the potential sale of assets or new investment in the internet-based business to help it remain viable. "Yeah, wow, man! I've got some... sure, if you want to buy some stuff I was going to sell on eBay anyway, sure, it's all yours. As for investments... wow, sure, that's... that's great, I'll take them! Make the checks payable to me, I guess. What a... what a tragedy and all! This is... is... real bad, man. Yeah. Wow!" Asked how he would do things differently now that he's received the bailout and is, thus, on the hook with the American Public, not to mention two branches of Government, Mašek speculated. "Oh, I've got some ideas. I mean, I've got to pay this fifty billion back, right? I mean, I'd hate for the government to boggart my stupid website or something. Yeah, that'd suck." He added "Fifty Billion, man, wow! That's with a B!"
The subprime mortgage crisis reached critical mass starting in September of 2008, characterized by drastically contracted liquidity in the global credit markets. This has caused at least 120 newspapers in the United States to shut down along with former financial giants Lehman Brothers and Merrill Lynch. Citibank and Wachovia were also forced to seek help and buyers while both Crysler and General Motors have had to ask for Government Bailouts in order to stay afloat. None of these companies are certain to succeed, but all of them have been considered to be much too large to fail. Up to 1 jobs at WorldsGreatestCritic.com would be lost should the arguably popular website collapse.
Not everyone has spoken out in favor of adding WorldsGreatestCritic.com to the list of recipients of TARP (Troubled Asset Relief Program) funds. Fortune Magazine editor Allan Sloan had some sharp words for the decisions of the Obama Administration. "This WorldsGreatestCritic.com website is not what any educated person would call 'too big to fail'!" said Sloan, speaking on American Public Media's Marketplace. "I'm not even sure there really is such a thing as 'too big to fail', but assuming there is, I'm going on record as saying this website here doesn't qualify! If you look at the take-home from his advertising revenue, not at all counting that webmaster guy's day job salary, what have you got? You get, maybe a couple of thousand dollars a year. I mean, it barely covers what must be an extravagant bill for his make-up and costumes. The very idea that the Federal Government would give this guy Billions is just... it's nuts! Let's face it, I went to his site once to see if that remake of Day of the Dead was going to be any good and I'll tell you, I got maybe two-thirds of his jokes. This guy is supposed to be profitable?"
White House Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel echoed Sloan's confusion over this allocation of funds, saying “Who now?”However, at a press conference from London, President Barack Obama addressed the contentious issue. “Of course I wouldn't let Sasha or Malia read his stuff, but the reality of the situation is that there is no more comprehensive website on the planet when one is looking for information on the Video Nasties.” Obama paused, then added "You know what I'm talking about, don't you, your Majesty?"
In spite of the many critics of this portion of the plan, including a number of Washington Insiders who described this bailout as a "Dick Move", the fifty billion dollar loan has already allowed WorldsGreatestCritic.com to become more profitable. Said the webmaster "Oh, yeah, man, I just bought the rights to the character 'Captain Avenger' from MGM and we're going to make some comic books! Good ones!" After adjusting his seat on his solid-gold throne adorned with carvings of beautiful women he continued. "I also bought the rights to the entire series Gilligan's Planet and we're going to start burning DVDs of that. You know that's going to be a big seller, plus I just inked a deal to start a chain of movie theatre/ strip club combinations that serve veggie burgers and beer. Move Over Hooters! Of course to inaugurate this new era, we're having a bash, I mean party, I mean convention in Vegas to hold a meeting of minds on this and get our business plan laid out. Plus, it seems only fair to give the guy who thought of it, me, just a bit of a Bonus... Maybe 165 Million bucks? No, no, that's not fair... How about an even two... um, FIVE hundred million. Yeah, that's more like it. Damn, this whole bankruptcy is totally... uh, Awful. Terrible, yeah!" Mašek added he was thinking about becoming a Scientologist.
The WGC Website is a rAMBLing Blog of the laMest REVIews from the mind of an oft-inebriated Irish Catholic with a degree in English Lit who thinks that somehow qualifies him to be known as "The World's Greatest Critic"! The site and all related sites such as ZombieFlicks.com have a collective cash value of somewhere between an expired coupon for Jalape˝o Chex Mix and a Bazooka Joe comic strip discovered in the pocket of an old pair of jeans you just washed to give away to the Salvation Army (or its lower-rent equivalent). In short, the very ideas of any golden (or even LEAD) parachutes or financial bailouts from any source being received are clearly bad jokes on the approximate level of blonde jokes, aggie jokes and that "Why did the monkey fall out if the Tree? Because it was Dead!" joke. While pranks, jokes and otherwise intentionally irreverent failed attempts at humor have been a staple of this website since as long as the writer can remember, varied idiot lawyers and pantywaist copyright socialists have occasionally taken entries such as this too seriously. For you slow, plodding, knuckle-dragging dip-shits who couldn't lead a herd of kittens out of an empty kitchen, please allow me to spell it out for you:
Nude on the WGC Wire
WGC Comment Parody: Seriously, does anybody read this far down? I feel like I could write anything down here, be it unlawful, threatening, defamatory, obscene, pornographic or even material that would violate the laws of nature. Like Gravity! Have you ever noticed nobody ever gets arrested for Breaking the Law of Gravity? Superman claims to fight crime and uphold the law, but it's clear to me that he chooses which laws to follow and which not to. Gravity. It's not just attractive, IT'S THE LAW! But I forgot, nobody's reading these comments, so who gives a shit. Hell, I can post, air, edit, exhibit, telecast, cablecast, webcast, re-use, publish, reproduce, use, license, print, distribute or otherwise exploit this section in any way I want. Here, let me see if you're even paying attention: "LESBIANS!!!" Actually, if you just read that, you're probably going to keep reading. I'll bet half of you just logged in, hit CTRL+F and typed in "lesbian" just to see if it would pop up! Damn, I love Lesbians! And that's no April Fool's joke. I truly, deeply do, man! But back to April Fool's Day... why do I bother? Well, why not? Last year I took the entire site down to just have this announcement that I had retired from writing. Then the next day I had my biggest one-day readership ever. This year, I figured nobody would fall for that same crap again, so instead of an April Fool's Prank, it's just an April Fool's joke. I wonder if CNN.com or Time Warner are going to sue me for ripping off one of their pages. I think they can, you know. Hopefully I'm covered by fair use because this is a parody. But one without Lesbians. That would've been better... but then, I take Lesbians very seriously, so I'm thinking that wouldn't work with an April Fool's thing. Margi Newton did an INCREDIBLE Lesbian Sex scene in this movie called Scorpion's Kiss. Incredibly hot. Man, I wish I was a Lesbian. My wife says she's glad I'm not, but I'm not so sure. Ah, well... this is geting long. Who am I, Chuck Lorre or something? WGC Opinionated Statements.